10 Funny Jokes for a Terrible Monday

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

5 – How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 – Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care

6 – Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7 – If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let it in.

8 – Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…
It’s called a Wedding cake

9 – Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.

10 – What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

Doctor Foster – Or how to find out if your man is cheating

I started watching this TV show on BBC called Doctor Foster and I nearly started laughing when I saw all the cliches being used. Woman finds blonde hair on husband’s scarf. Woman finds a pink lip balm in the bedroom. Woman becomes suspicious and starts to suspect man of having an affair.

There’s an amazing TED Talk about why people have affairs – it’s not that they are bored with the routine, but because something more exciting exists around the corner.

Doctor Foster and her search for infidelity

Continue reading “Doctor Foster – Or how to find out if your man is cheating”

Why I won’t get married

I’ll be turning 34 in a couple of months and I am faced with the same problems I had at 30. I knew back Then I would not get hitched and carry someone’s name.

I’m still single and I’m actually loving it.
I wake up when I want, I go to bed when I want. I flirt with guys I don’t call back afterwards. But some people might argue that being single is like being a ship lost in the sea, floating where the breeze takes you. And I would tell them it’s more like a ship anchored to a beautiful island. I’m happy alone, happy with company but ultimately free to do what I please.

 

I remember when I just started dating again after my massive ex break up, I was desperate enough to just talk to anyone that would talk to me… I met a guy that came with this massive sob story which he sent to me in an email – it was so big he had to send two emails – and instead of showing sympathy and crying for his sake I asked: “what made her leave?”
Every story has two parts and hearing just one side is unfair.
So even though I was single and desperate, I risked speaking my mind as my brain would not be spoon-fed other people’s lies (anymore). Needless to say, he stopped talking to me (after swearing a bit about my being a terrible person for questioning his version of the truth).

Dating is not like religion. Belief without proof. So every guy I meet I research beforehand. This should probably be normal in today’s online dating scene. People tend to paint themselves in the most flattering light and it’s this light that attracts me. The problem comes afterwards when the shine dissipates and reveals the true person. This is when my excitement drops. So.. I don’t last more than 1.5 dates before I call it quits. The guy needs to be freaking special for me to continue seeing him.

Psychology today – more about online dating

I am a rooted person. I am confident in my self, my abilities, my future. I no longer hesitate, unsure of how to be. I know myself best and this self knowledge is what sometimes puts people off..

I’ll give you an example: dated a guy who wouldn’t have an opinion. What movie yo watch, what food to eat, what to do at the weekend. I dumped him and he seemed surprised, like really surprised. When I told him that he’ll be fine without me and he will definitely find someone better suited to his personality (my very pleasant way of saying that I didn’t like him), he retorted: You’re going to be fine afterwards, aren’t you. You’re calm now and won’t suffer like I will. What will I do now this weekend?

I was calm and for a moment I thought that I was displaying sociopathic tendencies as I felt absolutely no qualms about the breakup. Same emotional involvement as ordering pizza.

I got a bit scared so I went home and started thinking of all my breakups. At least the ones I had initiated – all were clean. Ripping a bandage to let the wound heal. And I realised why I had no feeling… It was because I was no longer looking for a person to complete me, I was already complete. I was looking for a challenge, someone worthy.

Ok, maybe not him…

So I upped my game. Dated a university teacher until I realised he didn’t know what he wanted to be when he grew up and had been a cook until two years ago… And he was still worried about what others thought about him… (For example he said he took some drugs when he was younger, I was reading at the time so I didn’t reply and he sent me this long message about how sorry he was And I shouldn’t hate him. Bare in mind at this point we hadn’t actually met. He was pouring his soul out to a stranger and then awaiting either forgiveness or confirmation or his behaviour- both not acceptable demands from a potential date. What if he took drugs again? Would you forgive his addiction because you forgave it before? Or would you play it cool and say it’s no biggie?)

Dated an aerospace engineer until I realised his spelling was atrocious and he liked to objectify women to feel more like a man (some deep seated insecurity in there). (One nice example I received during my work hours: “I can’t stop thinking about you’re sexy but”. I wanted to reply:”but… But what?”

Dated a marketing specialist until I found out (by mistake) that he was on below minimum wage with no ambitious bone in his body… I like my man to be like that Cypress Hill song lyric:what’s your number

She said I want a man with a plan and ambition
Not an immature nigga on a “pussy-hit mission”
I’m too good for that I have so much to offer
Got a good job working at my mom and dad’s law firm
You got goals, that’s what she asked
Yeah I wanna fill my home with platinum plaques

Dated a Portuguese mechanical engineer that swore he could not be without me and that circumstances kept him away from me for more than 6 months now with no effort on his side to attempt a visit.

I did like the last one a bit.. but I realised that he wasn’t a go-getter, he was more of a hand-me-down type of man. He wanted a good job with good benefits and a good wage but he didn’t look for one. I suggested a few sites where he could browse but he never looked at them. He took the first job that one of his mates found for him. He whined that he wanted to see me but only between 9 pm and 3am (thankfully my phone has Silent Hours) but he never got on a plane for a weekend away. So yeah, all talk no walk.

So, I’m single now. Happy so and looking forward to my 40’s when I will become a cat lady. 😂

I wish I had a romance like Patrick Swayze and his Wife

I still tear up when I think about his death. He was such a talented man!

During the 6th “World Music Awards” taking place in Monte Carlo in 1994, Patrick Swayze and his wife, Lisa Niemi, gave a great performance that would shame “Dirty Dancing”. They have such great chemistry and I looked at it and they did not miss a beat.
You can just feel the love between them – their marriage lasted a record 34 years and you can definitely see their attraction in the way they move and look at each other. See more photos here.

The song played is called “The Man That I Need” by Whitney Houston.

Best Bride Videos

beyonce-bride1

Beyonce – Best Think I never Had


PS:It kicks off with Beyoncé singing, “What goes around comes back around,” before she proceeds to take a pop at a former lover after discovering his deceitful ways. After the trouble Jay Z had with Solange Knowles, I think I know about whom she was singing about…

Shakira – Empire


PS: In the video, there’s no groom, most likely because the singer‘s footballer partner, Gerard Pique, has banned her from making music visuals starring other men as romantic interests.

Mariah Carey – We Belong Together


PS: The wedding dress that Mariah wears in the video is the same one in which she got married to Tommy Mottola in 1993. Mottola and Carey divorced in 1998, but she held onto the wedding dress, and when the video’s director needed a dress, she volunteered the use of it. The hot guy is Wentworth Miller (Michael Scoffield from Prison Break)

Christina Aguilera – Save me from myself


PS: A music video for the song was shot after the birth of her son Max, and it shows Aguilera’s personal footage of her marriage, as well as her performing the song with Linda Perry playing the guitar.

Pink – I don’t believe you


The 30-year-old singer — who has a rocky on-again-off-again relationship with hubby Carey Hart — wears a wedding dress in the video, while showing off her rock-hard body.

Nicky Minaj – Moment for life


his song features Minaj’s labelmate Drake. Having previously expressed his feelings for the New York MC on his track “Miss Me,” the Toronto rapper continues to express in his lyrics a wish to tie the knot with her on this song. “F— it, me and Nicki getting married today,” Drake raps. “And all you bitches hating can catch the bouquet.”