Tag: joke

I’m a Professional Nurse * Joke

I won’t laugh, said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over 15 years of working here, I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay, then,” Said Randy, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a laugh, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as best she could. “I’m very sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“Its swollen,” Randy replied.

She ran out of the room.

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Ancient Chinese Torture * Joke

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

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Today’s collection of dirty jokes (long ones)

Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
“Husband : “How about the ones like mine?
“Wife : “Those they gave away.
“Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
“Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?
“Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

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Animal Jokes for today

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

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The Devil is in the Details (Underworld Jokes)

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”

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A small compilation of dirty jokes!

Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
“Husband : “How about the ones like mine?
“Wife : “Those they gave away.
“Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off pussys. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
“Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?
“Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

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The bells and the armless man * Joke

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.
“You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!”

And he began string the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carrilon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
“Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

A man tries to teach a dog how to make love to a woman * Joke

A man was drinking in a bar.  Next to him was a beautiful German Shepherd. A woman was admiring the dog and the man said..

“yes he is a lovely dog but I’m still training him”
“oh!”  She said.  “what sort of things are you training him to do”?
“Well right now I’m training him to make love to a beautiful woman” he said.
The woman blushed and said,, “you’re kidding me!”
“It’s true!”  The man replied – “I can prove it to you if you come outside”
So she did.  Outside the man looked at the dog and said – “go on then, get on with it!”

The dog sat there and looked at him.  The man tried for several minutes to coax the dog into making love to the woman to no avail, while the woman was doing her best to look seductive.  Finally the man said….

…..”Okay Rover” as he unzipped his fly,

“but this is the very last time I’m going to show you!”

 

The cowboy who went to heaven * Joke

A cowboy died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow,

“You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED — you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment.

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