My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE –
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!” Continue reading “Mother Taught Me”
Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.
Some darn fool done stole the papers.
The bell has rung I must not linger.
Look out ass here comes my finger.
Hunting attorneys for sport has lately become somewhat of a past time for people. Enough so that the government has stepped in with new laws limiting such things as who can hunt them, how many can be hunted, and by what means… Continue reading “Attorney Hunting Season is Open!”
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
“I finished the Oreo’s.”
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.” Continue reading “Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant…”
A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”
Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
“Husband : “How about the ones like mine?
“Wife : “Those they gave away.
“Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off pussys. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.
“Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?
“Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.
“You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!”
And he began string the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carrilon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
“Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
Went on a drinking night last night with my friends from work and since I don’t drink alcohol, I ended up chauffeuring people to and from the party place. Continue reading “In Vino Veritas”