I’m a Professional Nurse * Joke

I won’t laugh, said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over 15 years of working here, I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay, then,” Said Randy, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a laugh, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as best she could. “I’m very sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“Its swollen,” Randy replied.

She ran out of the room.

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Ancient Chinese Torture * Joke

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

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10 funny software puns that will get any developer chuckling (or cringing)

  1. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
  2. I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn’t get with the program.
  3. Old programmers never die, they just can’t C as well.
  4. When computer programmers are hungry they take mega-bites.
  5. Old programmers never die .. they just lose their memory.
  6. Technically speaking a programmer’s favorite subject with his boss is usually arrays.
  7. A crazy programmer with a cold is a coughing hacker.
  8. A computer program attached to an electric chair would have to have its execution checked carefully.
  9. Computer geeks always look scruffy because they only take milliseconds to refresh.
  10. Computer programs for gambling need beta testing.

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Animal Jokes for today

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

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Genuine Complaints Received by Councils

  1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  2. and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
  3. … it’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  6. … and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  7. 483399_309331382502720_13570406_nI wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
  8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
  11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
  12. …50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
  13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
  14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  17. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.
  18. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
  19. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  20. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
  21. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
  22. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  23. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  24. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get Channel BBC2 on the TV