And one joke:
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Claws of Fury
“What happened to your cat? He was running around the whole village like the devil was on his tail.”
“Well he got castrated yesterday and now he’s canceling all his dates.”
Emergency call at the police station:
“Please come quick. It’s a life and death situation. Our dog has become very aggressive. He might do something to me.”
“Who is there?”
A cow says to a small kitten, “Look at you, so small and already such long facial hear.”
The kitten cooly replies, “Yeah, look at you, so big but still no bra.”
A Chinese student is looking for an inexpensive room to rent. He finds one, but the owner warns him, “Yes, you can have the room. But we have a dog and two cats. I hope you like them.”
“No problem,” beams the student, “I’m happy to eat anything!”
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself?
A. She’s smoking a cigarette.
One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.”
“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.
“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”
When God made the world, He chose to put animals in it, and decided to give each whatever it wanted. All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat quietly went to the end of the line. To the elephant and the bear He gave strength, to the rabbit and the deer, swiftness; to the owl, the ability to see at night, to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty; to the fox, cunning; to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage; to the otter, playfulness. And all these were things the animals begged of God. At last he came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently. “What will YOU have?” God asked the cat.
The cat shrugged modestly. “Oh, whatever scraps you have left over. I don’t mind.”
“But I’m God. I have everything left over.”
“Then I’ll have a little of everything, please.”
And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of this small animal, and gave the cat everything she asked for, adding grace and elegance and, only for her, a gentle purr that would always attract humans and assure her a warm and comfortable home.
But he took away her false modesty.