When You See These People – You will want to say OMG!

Best way to proceed when meeting one of these people is taking a picture and using it to show your parents that this is your new date (boyfriend or girlfriend). Most of these were taken in Romania, but there are some with Americans as well (you can do the guessing).

Naked woman running on the streets
Naked woman running on the streets

The following two would win a prize in an uglyness contest

Ugly ass bitch
Hey dad, this is my new Girlfriend
mona lisa of the gum people
Hey dad, my new girlfriend. She has a wonderful smile, no?

Let’s not forget the men!

Mc Donald's dad
McDonald's dad
Grandpa in a shopping bag
Grandpa in a shopping bag

Or these beauties:

Prince charming
Prince Charming
Felix - my only love
Felix - my only love
laughing ugly blokes
Please don't laugh!!

Police Quotes

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

Types of Pussy

1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following – fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.

Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.

2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following – she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You’re lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won’t go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.

3. Hired Pussy
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don’t have to stick around, won’t tell your girlfriend, doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.

4. Virgin Pussy
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight “fit” if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer “other” services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause “accidents”, can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you’re into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho Pussy
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid Pussy
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Pussy
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party Pussy
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy Pussy
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

Women Driving

Nothing worse than some women driving!
Now – I would be a bitch if I did not say it also happened to me! In 2009 I got stuck with my red Golf in the middle of a mud field. Here I was thinking that a golf is the same as a 4×4… It isn’t!

It would not go forwards or backwards and it took a shepard, some wheels burning and the price of a packet of fags to get out of this mess.
Ruined my clothes in the process and the underside of the car :)).
When I took it to the washers, they found mud all over the pedals, on the bonnet, in the exhaust! I bet they would have loved to charge me more than they did!

Office Terms for the busy people

BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM – Career Limiting Move – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.

OHNO-SECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking> the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Michael, my … um, friend.”

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the Couch Potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

CHIPS AND SALSA – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

G.O.O.D. Job – A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill, etc.

DEINSTALLED – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a VicePresident at a downsized computer firm: “You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.”

VULCAN NERVE PINCH – The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for a Mac computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the THREE FINGERED SALUTE.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”

ASSMOSIS – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
 

Top 10 Worst Pick Up Lines

Ten worst pick up lines:
1. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
2. Excuse me is that a space suit you’re wearing, because your ass is out of this world.
3. If I follow you home, will you keep me?
4. The voices in my head say you should go out with me….
5. Do you sleep on your stomach?…no?….Can I ?
6. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
7. I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbour…what say we tie up for the night?
8. That’s a nice pair of pants – D’ya think I can talk you out of them?
9. Do you believe in love at first sight?…Or do I have to walk by again?
10. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

The Simpsons – Bart’s scribblings on the board

We all love The Simpsons and they’ve been around with fun for decades. If you were wondering what is Bart writing on the blackboard at the start of each episode, here is a list below – feel free to add to it if you wish.

 

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “she’s dead” at roll call.
The principals toupee is not a frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The pledge of allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not waste chalk.
I will never win an Emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.