What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, “That’s once.” A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, “That’s twice.” When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, “That was an awful thing to do!” The farmer says, “That’s once.”
Q: What do you call a T-Rex’s bruise? A: A dino-sore.
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, “Why the wooden leg?” The farmer replies, “That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.”
“Great, but why the wooden leg?”
“The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy.”
“Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?”
“Well when you have a pig that smart you don’t eat it all at once!”
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words.
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, “If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.” The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, “I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!”
Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog!
Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence?
A: Time to fix the fence.
Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.
A baby snake asked it’s mom, “Mommy are we poisonous?” The mother snake responded, “Yes honey, but why do you want to know?” The baby snake responded, “Because I just bit myself…”