You know you’re old, when your mind and body aren’t what they used to be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do your knees buckle, but your belt won’t? Have your beauty marks sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies … snap, crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don’t remember the last 3 blocks? Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do?
Does a dripping faucet cause an uncontrollable bladder urge? Have you seen territory on the scale that no one who isn’t pregnant ever wants to see? Have you searched all over the house for something and finally found it … right where it was suppose to be? Does the idea of laying on the floor to watch TV strike you as uncomfortable? Remember when you did it all the time? Have you dialed a number and then gotten distracted? When the person you called came to the phone, you had no idea who you called or why. Do you groan a little when you bend over or get up? What doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work, right?
You Know You’re Old, If You Remember Ancient History. Did you watch or listen to Ed Sullivan, the Brat Pack, Max Headroom, Bobby Sherman, the Mamas & the Papas, K.C. and the Sunshine Band or Captain Kangaroo? Did you once own a lot of 45s … records, not guns? Have your children studied events in history that you lived through …. the Kennedy and King assassinations, Viet Nam, the Bi-Centennial and the first landing on the moon? Did you learn to read with Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot and Puff? At one time, did you think pong, 8-track tapes or cars with fins were cutting edge technology? Dollar a gallon gas does not strike you as THAT cheap. You can remember when if was under 50 cents a gallon and full service, too.
Did you attended school when dress codes forbid girls to wear pants to class? ( They were considered too casual.) Do you remember girdles? (UGH!) Have things you owned shown up on Antiques Road Show? Is “25 Years Ago Today” your favorite part of the newspaper? Can you remember B.C…. Before Computers? Do you remember when they programmed computers with cards? (Shuffling them would drive the programmer really nuts.) Have the fashions of your youth come back in style? Do you look bad in them the second time around? Do you remember when the first MacDonald’s came to your community or the first family on the block got color TV? As a kid, did your parents buy you tennis shoes because they were cheap? Can you sing the theme song to ‘Green Acres,’ ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ or ‘Gilligan’s Island.’ Do you remember when sit-com couples slept in double beds and no one on TV talked about sex? When you were young, did you think the world would be like the Jetsons in the year 2000?
You Know You’re Old, Because Your Spirit Is Willing… But the Rest of You Wants a Nap. Do you have to do math to remember your age? (OK, it’s 2002 and I was born in 1954, so I must be 48.) Do you feel like the night after, and you haven’t been anywhere? Do the current heartthrobs look like young pups to you? Do you get winded playing cards? Have your children begun to look middle aged? Do you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge? OK, maybe a little … Do your children refer to your friends as ‘the old ladies’ and other equally depressing things? Do you regret resisting temptation? After painting the town red, do you have to rest a while before applying a second coat? Does dialing long distance wear you out? Have you found that you can’t stand people who are intolerant? Is the best part of your day over when your alarm clock goes off?
Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can’t remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can’t keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high’ trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60’s and 70’s is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it’s just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They’re young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said … and you hated? And finally… there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time.