I had a bit of an interesting run as a woman. I had the luck of being able to date in my 30s and had good and bad relationships, long and short ones with dudes that were awesome and dudes that had a ton of red flags.
Here’s my top 5:
When i moved away for college i kept dating my boyfriend from high school. He would freak out anytime i did not text him back within 15 minutes, if I stayed out late and forgot to say goodnight, and worst of all he would call me every 2 hours to “check in” and see how my day was going.
One night I was at a party and had someone hold my phone, he texted me upwards of 25 times and finally the person with my phone texted back saying “Dude, she’s busy, she will text you when she is free.”
I went to college about 3 hours from my home town… 3.5 hours later he is calling me, non stop, because he is literally at my apt waiting to be let inside. He drove down, to see me, because someone else texted him and he assumed I was in trouble….and it gets even worse.
At this point, I knew he was too attached and clingy, I needed my space to grow and experience my new school without his clinglyness. So i told him we needed to end things. He ran, literally RAN away from me, sobbing and yelling “this can;t be happening.” I slowly walked after him as he approached the baseball field. I see him start to climb the backstop fence (you know the really high fences behind home plate so if they foul the ball backwards it won’t go into the stands). So I start to run to stop him.
After 15-20 minutes of trying to talk him down without him jumping from the top (as he was threatening) he kept saying “the only way I will come down is if you promise to give us another shot.” So I told him to come down so we could talk about it….He comes down and tries to kiss me, i refuse and he runs away again, this time towards a concrete wall, which he proceeded to punch and break his hand.
I took him to the ER, left his car there, and had my roommate pick me up. After 2 months of him begging to get back together, he finally got the picture and left me alone.
TLDR: Moved for school, BF couldnt handle it, showed up unexpectedly, I broke up with him, he threatened to jump off the fence of a baseball back stop, finally came down, broke his hand punching a concrete wall, left him at the ER.
Nothing turns a woman off more than having a man be “too interested”. Clinginess in all its forms (from controlling who you meet and when) to not allowing you space to breathe and recharge batteries, is a form of smothering with too much love. Not only do they not have other friends to hang out with, they want to monopolise your time so you don’t get to spend it with yours. He needs to be told over and over how much you like him and what he does for you. His ego is fragile, and you’ve got way too much power to manipulate how he feels.
In fact, it can almost seem like he does things for you purely for the congratulation of it, rather than, you know, to actually help you out. Whatever you say goes.
Good reason for the boot.
Does he make his own money? Does he spend a lot on other things like a new PC, new hardware and new glasses? He doesn’t pay for a night out or at least offer to go Dutch? He doesn’t give you small gifts to show that he thinks of you? Does he buy you birthday gifts that he wants for himself? Golf clubs, car things, or like famously Homer Simpson?
You might be dealing with a stingy boyfriend. He’s looking at you all doey eyed when the bill comes. He doesn’t reach for his wallet. There’s no reason for him not to pay other than the desire to save up more for something HE wants. Why eat on his dime?
It’s even funnier when he visits your house and empties your fridge but does not offer to go grocery shopping to re-fill it. You go around his and there’s a cold, arctic wind blowing through his cupboards and through his fridge. He waits till you say you’re peckish and going slowly hungry and then he pipes up: “So what are you gonna order?”
Dump his mooching ass to the curb.
Hey, if you’re a woman you can’t lie to me and say you haven’t been called “princess”, “little lady”, “young one” and worse terms like “ho”, “slut”, “dirty whore”, “bitch” and others. Men do it to women in a misogynistic and 1950’s way of talking – saying that women belong in the kitchen or worse, are just good for one thing. Men though, are not the only culprits. Women do it to other women too. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously, sometimes even aggressively. Name calling is a form of emotional abuse and its only purpose is to bring the other person down, erode their self confidence and make them feel happy when someone shows them a little bit of respect and care. Even in S&M relationships where words can be flown about in degrading and demeaning ways there is a lot of after-care practiced. The other partner is told they are valued, that they are bright and loved and all the insults are counter-acted.
I hate to say it, but the only boyfriend that ever swore at me in anger or insulted me ended up as an ex who I wound up having zero sympathy towards and a lot of anger at having wasted so much time with him.
It wasn’t about the swearing itself, it’s that it’s a sign of lack of respect for someone you supposedly care about. When you know your partner feels hurt by a particular behavior and you do it anyways, repeatedly, it’s essentially dismissing their value. My experience was that it didn’t stop at just saying “fuck you” to me or calling me a bitch, it was accusing me and starting drama any time I didn’t do what HE wanted – if I didn’t feel like having sex, if I was upset because he was 2 or more hours late for a date, if I was upset that he wanted to spend time with a girl that he *cheated* on me with previously.
The fact that he thinks you deserve to be insulted bothers me a lot. Nobody should ever feel their partner *deserves* to be hurt or belittled. My only advice is to try to speak reasonably with him when he’s calm about how you feel about his name-calling and how he feels when he gets angry with you – and try to get him to compromise, see if he’s willing to let a counselor help the two of you communicate better, or end the relationship.
Dump his ass to the curb.
In multiple beds
Raise your hand if your man lied about his attachment to another woman. If he was married and he didn’t tell you. If you found out from the tags on Facebook that him and his missus just celebrated her birthday at a posh place you always wanted to go and where he took her instead of you.
Raise your hand if you’ve felt a pang of jealousy when he mentioned his ex and the fond memories he has of her.
Raise your hand if you’ve been told all the shitty things she does to him just to gain sympathy from you, just so that he could sleep with his sorry ass. “I’m alone in my relationship. It hasn’t been working for years. I was always planning on leaving her. Me and her aren’t really together, it’s mostly a facade. I haven’t had sex in 4 years.”
MISTRESS is the word and if you like the other term – homewrecker, family destroyer – continue seeing his ass. It’s so much worse when he tells you you’re his dream woman but then goes back to his missus in the evening, leaving you alone in a cold cold bed. No Christmases together as Christmases are for family and duh – you’re not family.
It gets funny when you’re breaking up with a man who’s already in a relationship. He feels like it’s a personal affront.
How dare you break up with him first when it was his intention to ditch you when he got bored and wasn’t excited about you anymore?
Ladies, if he’s separated, going through a divorce, with a long term girlfriend that he keeps hidden, don’t waste your time.
Cheaters are always gonna cheat. Once you’re with him, you’ll find yourself in his exes shoes, looking for signs of lipstick, shady messages and a password protected phone which he guards with his life.
Dump his ass.
He’s permanently unavailable
Yes, people get busy. But if you’re with someone you make time. A phone call here, a small kiss there, a trip abroad to show that he cares (well, not with Coronoavirus). It’s all about being there for each other even with a busy schedule.
Ask yourself where you fit in into his life. Are you a side character? Support? Are you furniture?
Get a guy who will put you first and make time for you when you need it. Who will be there to soothe you when you get hurt and who’ll always light up like a Christmas tree when he looks at you.
You deserve better.
Here’s a few more I really enjoyed but didn’t feel they applied to me that much.