Animal Jokes

How To Wash The Cat

  1. 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
  2. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
  3. 3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
  4. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
  5. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
  6. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
  7. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  8. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ” That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.” His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ” but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.” Her husband says ” Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”


A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says “What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life”. The old man turns and says “Sure have… I had sex with a peacock years back and I’m wondering if you’re my son”.


The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They’re urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!


There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”

Written by theFerkel