A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”
Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell. They realize where they are at and find the Devil. They plead with him, “please let us go to heaven!” The devil comes up with an idea. He points at a huge escalator with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalator? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activities with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to. The first guy goes and fucks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was.
” A mechanic” he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers. The second guy goes and fucks the chick in the very middle.
” A carpenter” he replies. So the devil saws his dick off. The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick.
The devil asks “Well you know the drill, what was you job?” and the guy just starts laughing his ass off! Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies
” I’m a fucking blow pop tester!”
How do I know that Satan runs the DMV, because my priest says “the devil takes many forms.”
What did Bill Murray say when he met Satan? I ain’t afraid of no goats.
Why should you always look at the fine print? Because the devil is in the details.
When the devil realized he couldn’t be everywhere, he made a mother-in-law.
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Yo momma so ugly she made the devil go to church.
I joined a satanic cult the other day, just for the hell of it.