So it’s not only Mr. Vader who has the ability to chop things off. I do too. I’ve entered a stage where I’ve had to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life and prune off the branches that will not bear fruit. To deconstruct the dead flower until I find the rotten bits and throw them away.
I’ve taken a good look at my relationship with MaryJane (not real name) and it was causing me loads of anxiety and the shit I’ve noticed emerging was not making her a “safe” person to be around. She exhibited sexualised behaviour, started lying about a lot of shit (important and not so important) and whenever I tried to apply any structure or discipline she wasn’t having it and threatened not once but three times to report me to the social workers for “abuse”. Once for making her go to school on a Friday and the other two times for giving her vegetables.
So when her father put in a motion for re-applying for custody and the freaking social workers told her, the shit behaviour escalated with name calling, slamming things and kicking and punching. I requested a placement dissolution (I think it’s called a disruption) as I was throwing up from stress most mornings and my sleeping patterns changed. It was me or her and I was staying. The “fun” part was that the council sent me an official letter that it was their decision to end the placement awaiting a resolution for the birth father’s court claim and subsequent investigation in his living status which might take months or years to complete.
By Friday, MaryJane was gone and I suffered a reeling realisation that I was happy. That I was laughing again at the Hobs and Shaw Movie, that I had been so tense in the past weeks that I suffered from generalised muscle ache for a whole day as adrenaline finally left my body. I was so exhausted that I hadn’t even realised it. I was so near a depression sink I think I could hear the scraping sound as my breaks activated and I went in full reverse.
1st Branch Cut
Side Effects: I had to seriously reconsider my desire to have children and for the time being I want none. Which is a true shame as I feel that I have the capacity to mother and a lot to give but only if the other party is willing to receive. Second – there will be no heir to my assets. But that is good as I’m planning a massive retirement party and disappear into the world after selling off much like Bilbo Baggins.
Cut my hair and had an outing in a posh place. Read Lord of the Rings on a grassy meadow. And I’ve learned to let things go.
Aftermath; The second that MaryJane left, I started cleaning and collecting things and thinking. I don’t need any child – related things that I bought for an older MaryJane so I packaged them off and sent them to Romania to one of my friends who has a child of a similar age. I didn’t need the things that I bought for MaryJane and she dismissed that the she didn’t like them so I gave them to charity. I didn’t need all my childhood clothes that I was hoping she could wear one day so they went to charity too. A boot-full of things disappeared from my house and I was breathing a bit easier.
Update for MaryJane: she has settled back well with her previous foster carers and within a month she can either be back with her birth dad (happy ending if he’s not a shithead) or wait for court proceedings for years to find out her dad is shitty and there is no-body there left to adopt her. She’s gonna be 9, 10 when this is over and I know what the adoption rates for older children are… as I’ve done that.