Robin Hoodie – Or the story of a guy with no Merry Men

I saw a mess of a movie last night and the trouble is – I was really looking forward to it. Having had a budget over $100 millions, I was expecting something pretty amazing but instead I got an action movie with a terrible script. And I wish the script was the only issue! The acting was filled with one-liners and the action around it was done only to set up those one-liners. he costumes looked like they’ve been made at Primark and not only were they really cheap looking, they weren’t even period appropriate.

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Robin-Hood-Movie-Poster-2Quilted jackets, denim, hoodies by the truckload and what really, really pissed me off a little, they tried to make Robin Hood like Assassin’s Creed. I read afterwards that the costumes were designed like this on request. 1/3 period appropriate, 1/3 contemporary, 1/3 futuristic – to give the movie a “unique” vibe. It was “unique” – definitely “unique”. A mix between the costumes of The Capitol in Hunger Games (during the gala) and The Wastelands.

And Hoodies. By God, Robin Hood never had a Hoodie!! It would deter his side vision when shooting arrows!

Little John: You’re not Robin of Loxley anymore. You are the Hood.

The movie starts off with Robin Hood finding *cough* Thief Marian and not Maid Marian trying to steal one of his horses. I was looking at the screen dumbstruck. You could totally see her boobies under the costume. What type of thief goes out to steal something in a low cut top exposing so much skin?! I’m not a prude or anything but  Eve Hewson‘s costume designer chose only low-cut tops for her and nothing to make her look like a lady!

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She’s beautiful all right but badly dressed for the part.

Back to the movie. Robin of Loxley gets drafted into war (the Crusades) where we see a snippet of “13 Hours – The Soldiers of Benghazi but with arrows instead of guns and bigger crossbows instead of rocket launchers. By the way the people jumped when an arrow landed, you would have thought they are mortar shells and not flint and wood.

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Robin of Loxley spends 4 years fighting in this war and just before he gets killed by Jamie Foxx’s character, he survives (what a miracle!). Jamie looses his hand (like Jamie from Game of Thrones). Then some plot needs to happen and they show how the crusaders were killing off the captured Muslims without so much of a trial. Robin can’t handle it anymore and steps in to defend what we hear is Jamie’s son but can’t make it but Jamie sees it. Jamie’s son is decapitated, Robin is shot with an arrow and sent home (he would have died of strep infection by the time he got home, if he really got hit) and goes back to find his manor had been repossessed by the state for not paying taxes, Marian is now married (?!) to another man and working in a soup kitchen for the poor (roll eyes here) and Robin had been declared dead for at least two years.

He goes on to fight the government while still pining for Marian (even if she’s with somebody else now) and gets Jamie Foxx to come and help him out from some due obligation to see justice for his son.

Little John: [to Robin] I’ve never seen anything like you. You’ve stared death in the face, that’s why I chose you.

He becomes John as that’s what his names translates to.

Little John: I’ve never seen anything like it. Men of power taking more power from the blood of innocents.
Robin Hood: We’re just two men, what can we do?
Little John: You’re only powerless if you believe you’re powerless.

Robin steals from the rich, gives something to the poor, keeps something for himself, re-does his house, buys some fancy clothes and becomes Bruce Wayne. He steals by night and is a social butterfly by day (I nearly gagged).

Sheriff of Nottingham: There’s been whispers of a thief. He’s got our commoners looking up, seeing hope.

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He then goes into an all-out war with the Sheriff where he tries to steal more money, nearly gets caught, kills the Sheriff and goes to live in a forest with his men. Marian’s ex becomes the new Sheriff.

I hope to God they won’t do a sequel!


Let me tell you all the issues I had with this movie (besides costumes and script)

  • Jamie’s character identified himself as a Moor but Moors lived in the other side of the world, near Spain and not in the Middle East.
  • There is no other Black guy so Jamie is token Black Guy to help the plot along
  • Marian has perfect makeup and hair (what hair products did they have in the middle ages?)
  • robin-hood-2018-8Friar Tuck is there for mostly comedic relief but he’s not really funny. He looks like Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back 
  • They did their editing for the action scenes like a 2018 action movie but it was hard to see what was happening and thinking of it, the action wasn’t THAT intense. They were shooting arrows at each other for f&*k’s sake!
  • The arrows! They are long distance kill means but they were used in close combat. I mean, Robin shot an arrow to a guy that was coming at him and was like 2 feet away. He won’t die from it! He’d probably caught in real life and shoved it up someone’s ass!
  • Robin has unlimited arrows.
  • The bad guys are dressed like the riot police
  • The plebs that revolted looked like rioters and threw Molotov cocktails at the police
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  • The movie is filled with freaking political comments and wants to be serious and send a message out about the abuse of Muslims and current state of the economy but fails oh so badly!
  • The mines in the movie were expelling flames. What the hell were they mining??
  • The set shows St. George’s Cross in abundance (on site observation), which was only used in the British navy (during the reign of Prince/King John), and not adopted as a flag until a century later.

Don’t go watch it. Besides all the pointed political dialogue, the characters lacked development and connection. I never felt that Robin Hood genuinely wanted to help others. It seemed he only cared that Marianne was sleeping with a different guy. The training scenes were only missing the Rocky theme music.

It was incredibly stupid, convoluted, and cheap. I’m not saying there weren’t compelling elements, but ultimately, those were bogged down by the film’s idiocy.

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