1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!