Doctor Foster – Or how to find out if your man is cheating

I started watching this TV show on BBC called Doctor Foster and I nearly started laughing when I saw all the cliches being used. Woman finds blonde hair on husband’s scarf. Woman finds a pink lip balm in the bedroom. Woman becomes suspicious and starts to suspect man of having an affair.

There’s an amazing TED Talk about why people have affairs – it’s not that they are bored with the routine, but because something more exciting exists around the corner.

Doctor Foster and her search for infidelity

What she does is first check out how many of their common friends have blonde hair. This being England, the amount of fair-heads is quite high.

Then she goes online and starts looking for other people’s advice. There are literally thousands of articles with women (and also men) telling their stories of how they found out about the other. Common signs:

  • checking the phone constantly and typing out messages without telling the partner who they are talking to
  • random calls in the middle of the night
  • unaccounted absences after work
  • money missing from the account
  • evasive behaviour when being questioned which can turn into an argument where the accuser gets blamed
  • decreased interest in love-making (when they getting it elsewhere, why bother?)
  • they have a second phone (! that’s a dead give-away)
  • or a separate bank account kept hidden
  • they go on “business trips” that require overnight stay
  • they don’t call while they’re away
  • they’re not present. Even when physically present,  they are off in their own world, not really there with you.
  • He takes a lot more trouble over his appearance, whether that means dressing better, a sudden heavy use of aftershave, or an infatuation with the gym and lifting weights. Showering before coming to bed, which sometimes signifies guilt or a desire to avoid detection of the scent of a lover, is another clue. He may also be cleaning his car to remove any signs of another woman. (This one is from a Daily Mail Article)

Doctor Foster – being a smart woman – gives her partner complete trust – so she follows him during work hours to see where he goes. I had to give her credit for checking the sign-in roster of the retirement home he was visiting “every day” to see whether he was telling the truth. I wouldn’t have thought of that!

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I liked how they added in a connection to William Congreve’s famous quote from The Mourning Bride

1af3ece53dc4fcdb698fe0f1b266ba91My opinion is – that if you even start suspecting your partner of having an affair, that delicate balance of trust that keeps a marriage together is shaken. It’s like drilling holes in the foundation of a tower and then seeing it as it crumbles down due to its own weight.
I agree that sometimes suspicious behaviour is justified but in more cases it actually damages the relationship beyond repair. My parents and grandparents managed to stay together as a family unit for decades while my friends are getting divorced all over the place.
Their comment is – why should we make it work when there’s this big elephant in the room now?

What’s your opinion? Should you turn a blind eye to cheating or tackle it head on?

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