Terrible Dad Jokes – Read on if you want to cringe a little

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'”

“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.”

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

“I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!”

“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”

“My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say,
‘Dad, I’m full,’
he always replies,
‘No, I’m full; you’re Ruby.'”

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!'”

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

“A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.'”

“Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!”

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’
Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

“Me: ‘Hey, I was thinking…’
My dad: ‘I thought I smelled something burning.'”

“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off”

“On all of my medical forms growing up my dad wrote ‘red’ for my blood type. To this day no one knows my actual blood type.”

“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”

“5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.”

“When I went to choir practice —
Dad: ‘Don’t forget a bucket.’
Me: ‘Why?’
Dad: ‘To carry your tune.'”

“A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.'”

“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.”

“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.'”

“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

“My dad got me with this one: ‘Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.’”

“We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said,
‘Any condiments?’
My dad responded,
‘Compliments? You look very nice today!'”

“Every time someone bends over my dad makes a farting noise. He’s done it for almost 60 years and I’m certain he has no intention of slowing down.”

“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge says,
‘First offender?’
She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

“Anytime I do something smart my dad says,
‘Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella!”

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