The Mummy Reboot – What was Tom Cruise thinking?

That jumbled mess of a movie made no sense… I tried to explain it to a friend this weekend and it went like this:
Two US soldiers out on enemy territory go treasure hunting because they “found” a map that said “Haram” on it. (By definition it means “Forbidden or proscribed by Islamic law.”) How they got Treasure from this is beyond me.

So they go into this village, they get detected by the rebels, they got shot at, they demand an air strike (being the US citizen that they are – they get it), the rebels run away and Bum! An underground cave appears because the earth had been bombed. Deux ex machina. None of the plot would have happened if the ground did not open up.
So they go inside with an archaeologist for 2h (! really? A massive discovery and you get 2h to document, catalogue and explore it?) and Tom Cruise decides it’s a good idea in the short time they have left to bring up the prisoner in the sarcophagus which was sunk in a mercury bath. So how do they know it’s mercury? They touch it! With bare hands! And I don’t know whether you remember your chemistry classes, but mercury is highly toxic and even the slightest exposure can damage a person.

Neurological and behavioural disorders may be observed after inhalation, ingestion or dermal exposure of different mercury compounds.
Mercury and health

So the moment I saw them in that tomb surrounded by rivers of Mercury, I started thinking maybe all of them had been poisoned and the entire Mummy movie was the delirious imaginings of the poisoned soldiers. I wish I were right!

So they load the exposed sarcophagus in an aircraft carrier and they board the plane.

What really bothered me at this point was that Tom Cruise’s buddy had been stung by something and was showing symptoms – he was slapping his face repeatedly, was pale and sweating and black veins started showing under his skin. Why didn’t anyone take him to a medic bay, ask him if he was feeling all right or even leave him grounded due to the fact that he looked physically ill?
Second bug bear is how they got the sarcophagus out of a tomb and out of the country in what seems a total robbery. There have been loads of cases of people smuggling artifacts out of conflict zones into America under the guise that “If we don’t do it, the rebels will blow it up”. Such artifacts are part of a country’s history and need to be entered into the proper museums.

Ancient Egyptian Artifacts Smuggled Into U.S. Are Heading Home

So this is where the movie starts to go backwards. The sick guy stabs the captain and instead of shooting him down immediately, they just wave around and him and Tom Cruise, the trained military personnel that he is, shoots his friend like a person who just held a gun for the first time. And he keeps on coming after them. I thought… is this like Dracula? Never dead? Or a zombie movie in the becoming?

Then a scene from Hitchcock’s Birds comes to life as thousands of crows smash into the aircraft. How the hell did the birds manage to reach cruising altitude of a jet (35-38k feet)? They would die in the stratosphere or freeze to death! So they tumble to their deaths, Mr Cruise saves the damsel by giving her the last chute and he dies.
The fact that they had a body in the morgue to come back to life is a miracle! He should have been splattered all across the entire Oxford area (WHERE WAS THE MUMMY FILMED?)

So, Tom Cruise comes back to life in the morgue (it reminded me of The Edge of Tomorrow) and he is showing off his wedding tackle when he meets with his crush again (badum tss!).
This is when the movie turns really weird. You find out his crush actually works for an organisation dealing with the supernatural and they want to capture the mummy alive to study it and then dispose of it in a safe manner. The institute is led by Russel Crowe (fat Russel Crowe), who introduces himself as Mr Hyde and very immediately and very visibly has to take a vaccine of sorts. I rolled my eyes.

They had to bring Jekyll and Hyde into this. And when they were walking through the museum I could definitely see the Book of the Dead from the first Mummy movie and also a vampire skull!

My understanding is that the recent Dracula movie was supposed to be the starting point for this universe. Are they going to treat it like The Incredible Hulk and acknowledge it while quietly casting Mark Ruffalo as Dracula for Monstervengers?

So, what idiot decided to put an unstable character with an addiction to power and vaccines that keep him human as the head of an organization? Obviously when he wouldn’t take his shot he would turn into a monster!
OK, they grab the mummy (after she makes a few zombies by kissing their life force out of them * cough * Enchantress) and they feed Mercury into her to keep her subdued.

At this point, the movie could have wrapped up. Put the mummy back in her sarcophagus and hide her away for eternity. I would not have been mad. I would still have given the movie a decent 5/10 for trying. But no, they had to go and create a mini-plot to free the mummy, find the missing pieces of the dagger that would bring Seth into the world and kill Tom Cruise’s crush so that his hero complex would win and he would stab himself to release the Kraken! I mean Seth. The God of Death.

What’s the thing with the double irises?

He kills the mummy with a kiss, brings back his love from the dead and then disappears into thin air so he would not get captured. The movie ends with him and his buddy that he killed on the airplane going tomb raiding as immortals.
a.) How did he find his friend’s body? I think it would have been in the air crash like the others were!
b.) His friend was not recently deceased like his crush – so would he not have shown signs of decomposition? Yuck!

And also, I bet there will be a sequel to this atrocity of a movie! Which I will probably go and watch so I could slash it once more. This is not in the League of extraordinary gentlemen. This is not even as good as Dracula Untold! Even Hotel Transylvania had a better looking mummy!

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Written by theFerkel