A man will only see this movie if: he is under the shoe of a good lady or if he’s an idiot or if he loses a bet. I’ll pick number two. Still, the nightmare is not only mine to have, there are three other men in the audience. The girls over over 40, alone. They all seem to be look-alike of Adele. There is a commercial playing advertising slimming yogurts, pots and pans. I would say they are hitting their right market share!
My girlfriend is excited, she has read all the books and can’t wait for the movie to start.
And so it begins.
The beautiful peasant girl is working at an editing office and her boos is one of those shovel faced and ear-pencil wearing ass.
“Wait and see what Grey does to this asshole!” says a front-row Adele.
A few minutes of exceptional dialog ensue. Worthy of at least an Oscar! The smartest of the bunch are: “These are pictures of me”- peasant girl at a painting exposition. “What big pictures” – still her, sitting next to some big pictures. “O, God, There are six pictures” (you guessed it, she is sitting next to six pictures). Then HE shows up. The psycho. This is the moment when the audience sighs collectively in appreciation of his trim body and good suit.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I hear a guy (of the trio) exclaiming. And then I can’t hear him anymore. I hope he’s still alive.
The mad man is slightly bow-legged, has a fixed stare and is full of cash. We are told for the entirety of the movie that the guy is loaded, filthy rich, swimming in dough and can buy anything. ANYTHING!
Now he’s buying the six pictures of her and this excites the peasant girl. She bites her lips so it’s a good sign.
When the psychopath invites her to dinner, all of the 200 Adeles are swooning:
“Ahhhh! They’re gonna make up now, stuuuupiiid!”
This is the moment I feel like posting on Facebook. I pretend to drop some pop-corn and I write between the legs of the lady on the right.
“I’m at 50 Shades. If there is anyone in the cine-complex, please come to screen 6 and call for me: Urgently! Or fif there is a man here with me in this room, please send a S.O.S. signal on Facebook, cough three times and faint!”
Now I can only wait, alone, for two hours. Two legs are squishing my head in a vice. I manage to get up and the lady on the right is giving me a death stare: “You are such a pervert!”
On the screen, the magic connection is happening. He wants her, she wants just a salad. The psycho and the peasant are in a restaurant and are negotiating the conditions of a contract. The old one, where he wants to beat her whenever he wanted is not good anymore. Now she wants to be beaten only when she wants it.
I re-write the dialogue in my mind: “Would you like some steak?”, “Yes, two steaks”, “We only have the whole cow”, “Then, a cow please.”
The waiter pulls out a cork with a corkscrew and all the women laugh, sigh, applaud. I am missing something.
“This sound bothers Grey!” my girlfriend tenderly explains to me.
I am an idiot, I didn’t read the masterpiece. When the waiter is turning the corkscrew, the psychopath is making faces and the peasant girl is smiling. I am thinking – this guy can never come to my house for dinner – at the number of bottles my uncle opens….
Suddenly, they both go shopping, she buys some yogurt, he buys an airline. The psycho is da’ man. He says “I have just bought an airline” like you would say you bought a new pair of underwear. Natural.
I fall asleep but wake up in time.
“In this episode, she shaved!”, front-seat Adele says. “And her tummy too! She has no fluff there!”
The peasant girl, because she is what they are talking about, stands naked and does not sport the 60’s bush she had in Episode I. She tells the nutcase: “Kiss me!”. He is down. Three on-screen kisses, three generalized gasps from the cinema room.
The coos of the women stop for now. I throw my phone under the seat and I dive for it. A friend replies on Messenger: “You went to see that shit? Are you really that dumb?”
I reply: “Yea, you know me.”
From under the seat I read the duration. 158 minutes. And the reviews:
“It’s the movie of my life! It made me so happy!” _- Mrs. C
“Don’t be an idiot! You’re better off vacuuming for a whole month with a stick up your ass and wearing a noose than to go and see this movie!” – Mr. C
Why didn’t I listen to Mr. C??
The funniest moment happens. The entire room is in ecstasy. It went like this: “You are driving me to a fucking perversion.” (or something of the kind). Even the man in the front row is laughing. That’s a good thing, it means he’s not dead.
(There are other very funny lines in the movie:
The psycho douche does not beat her, he promises her that in this episode he will not use a fireplace poker on her ass. I think I can see a little bit of regret on her face but I hope I’m wrong. Maybe the peasant girl started to feel sorry about getting herself in this movie.
He is forced to have sex with her without beating her, as he promised. When he does it, it’s half-hearted and has that face I have when I’m running the treadmill.
The sex scene is filmed by a pro! Her sensuality reminds of a teen movie! The psycho sits with her in bed and brags. Do you know those pictures with douches who fill up the bed with money and then post it on Facebook? Well, he’s the same. Now he gives her a 24k cheque. I think she must be the most expensive whore in the movies.
I can’t tell if the first part was worse than this one. Hard to tell. That “Fucking perversion” line appears again on the screen and I can now tell that part two is definitely worse than this one.
Kim Bassinger appears (the sex symbol from “9 and half weeks”). It’s just that now, with a bit of makeup she could play in 90 years and half. Kim is a sort of master of the psycho boy, she taught him how to beat women and enrolled him to psycho school. The peasant girl has a problem with her.
“The dominator is extraordinary!” I can hear from the girl on the right. ” His need for violence needs to be defeated, Only she can stop the violence, if she wants!” she explains to her friend. “So he won’t beat her with a stick? Did we come here like idiots?” And I think like an idiot, somewhere in some God-forsaken village, a brute is sharpening his knife and wants to beat a woman. He doesn’t have anyone to beat and he suffers, and the women on my right are suffering. If only I could match them on Facebook…
He won’t let her touch him, instead he lets her take out her lipstick and draw on him a sort of a map. You see, he’s crazy, I told you so! The ladies sigh. They look depressed and I’m wondering if any of them have blades in their purses. I hope not.
“Aaaaaah!”, They all sigh when she touches his shoulder. Forget I said “I hope not”.
He invites her to a party his parents are throwing. It’s a charity masked ball for children who have drug-addicted parents. While they are seriously chatting about the party, he asks her if he can insert some balls. “In the ass? I don’t put anything in the ass” says the epilated peasant girl.
Thankfully, he meant the other side so he puts them in his mouth and bends over. The psycho then becomes a short-term gynecologist and they head to the ball. “You’ll like this” he assures her. I think after this movie the ball joints sale will increase.
While everyone is talking about druggies and charity, the peasant girl sits on the chair and starts panting. Now we find out what the balls were for. “Now he’ll beat her!” my girlfriend rejoices. “I won’t beat you tonight, my back aches!” I tell her from my eyes.
“Hit me!”, asks the peasant. And this is all he was waiting for, he ties her to the bed and smacks her behind. Once! A great sigh is heart in the audience. Second hit. The women are collectively exclaiming. On the third hit, the entire cinema is moaning.
Then there are a few scenes where we have to understand he has money. He takes her for a ride in his boat, tells her he has his own dock, has a few buildings, that he wants to purchase the editing house she works for, etc. He’s like the richest man about and eventually he’ll purchase The Earth.
I bow my head and hope to sleep but I can’t because of the moans. I lift my head she has a nipple clamp. The psycho assures her that she’ll like it and puts the clamp on her finger and pulls. The Adeles sigh satisfied.
She is promoted based on achievement in the place of her rapist-wannabe boss. Completely non-interesting but the girl around me seem thrilled. I don’t know whether the rape or the promotion.
Then the psycho beats her again. On her bum. I feel partially avenged. It’s good that someone in this dirt of a movie, should get a beating. I ask myself: who will beat the crazy guy, the script writer, the director, the producer. I volunteer as a tribute.
The ladies in the room like the beating. It’s a money thing. If a poor guy was beating her, he’d be accused. It’s different to be beaten by a millionaire!
The psycho and the peasant ride an elevator. He tells her to take of her panties and she does so. Then follows a detailed gynecological examination, with everyone present. This seems to please the ladies as well.
“We have cameras in our elevator” shouts a lady. She’s well over 50 with a huge bun and a throaty voice. Hmm, cameras will be the least of your worries, lady.
The fixed stared boy asks her to marry him and confesses: “I am sadistic”
No shit! We couldn’t tell after in Episode I he tied her to the ceiling and was striking her with a fireplace poker. He then proceeds to beat her again, with his hand, over her bum. The production team should be locked in a room and forced to watch some porn. There are pornhub amateur movies ten times better than this one.
Another crazed lady appears (second time on screen, first time I was asleep) and threatens the peasant with a gun. It seems the crazy one was an ex slave of the psycho and wants to be in his books again. The psycho manages to save the peasant by telling the crazy one to “sit!”. She sits like a dog and he pets her head. He doesn’t even give her a tenner!
They are out of danger. He oils the peasant girl with olive oil. Slow and steady and all I can hear is moans, cheers and prolonged applause.
I hope he fries her. At least something would happen in this movie.
Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k!
I am depressed. There is still at least a quarter of an hour left of this movie. I am crying and I wet my popcorn.
“Don’t cry!” – Adele from the right tells me. “He’ll survive”
Then follow (not necessarily in this order): She mourns for him, his family is concerned, my popcorn tastes like tears, my girlfriend is asleep, Kim Bassinger is shown on screen, an Adele cries, then the elevator door opens and he appears. The Psycho survived!! Fuck this shit!
She is a mess, he has a fixed stare. This man only has one expression. She accepts his marriage proposal. He is happy: he can beat her for the rest of his life. She is so happy that she asks to be beaten before bed.
It’s his birthday. He tells everyone that he proposed and Kim Bassinger is upsed and her face fells down. I think it fell down a few years ago. The psycho’s mother beats up Kim Bassinger.
Do you remember that the peasant drew on him at the beginning of the movie a map? It seems he didn’t wash and still has it. This time he lets her touch him inside the map, through Ohio. The women in the room applaud like it’s a Congress. It’s the maximum intensity moment when the peasant can touch the psycho’s chest. As a reward, he beats her a little bit more.
I can’t close this article any other way. The message of this movie is the same as the first one: Beat her up. I walk down the street and I’m wondering, should I wait until I get home to beat my girlfriend or should I start from the elevator. There goes the money the Government allocated against domestic violence.
50 Shades of Grey Drinking Game