Tarzan – The new Bruce Willis of Africa

OMG! OMG! OMG! The Legend of Tarzan managed to blow me away last night! I dreaded seeing this movie … it’s been done and done before and just while I was thinking that Hollywood should stop doing remakes and come up with something original, the movie starts and we don’t see that dreaded opening sequence with the shipwreck and the baby Tarzan crying in the hands of the gorilla but a short history of Congo and the battle for imperial domination in the 1880’s and a bunch of explorers getting attacked by natives.

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Check out their feet! You can tell who the underpaid hired help are… And the guys does resemble Littlefinger a little.

I was stunned as a mist attack followed and a deal was done between the native and the white-clothed man to deliver a person to him in exchange for raw diamonds.

I was stunned – is this Tarzan? Is this the movie I was supposed to be watching? And then the setting changes to England where a lord is drinking tea while being convinced by the men of her Majesty to go back to Africa and investigate rumors of slavery by the Belgian king and come back with proof.

He politely refuses in a very funny manner saying that he’s been to Africa before, it’s hot our there. I knew this was going to be a good movie.

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My second surprise came from Samuel L Jackson who comes in the picture and convinces this Mother£”$^* to go to Mother”($&% Africa and help the poor people out there. His wife, Jane, feisty as hell, comes with him. Through the bits and pieces we find out it’s been 8 years since Jane and Lord John were married, still childless and very much in love.legend-tarzan-jane-robbie-skarsgard-movie

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Soon, they embark in a journey to Africa where we see some stunning scenery (I bet you that the travel agencies will profit the most from this movie) and see Tarzan (*cough* John) reuniting with his folk, the animals and the past. As we see through flashbacks how Jane and Tarzan got together, we are also delivered a very steamy sex scene that left me grinning and my friend covering her eyes demurely.

tarzan2.0As it happens, the bad guy attacks, steals Jane and some of the tribesmen and gets the anger of Tarzan who starts hunting him down through the *sigh* oh-so-beautiful African Jungle. She is feisty, she knows how to hold her own in front of danger and I loved the fact that they didn’t make Jane a damsel in distress type of thing.

In the mean-time, Tarzan fights his Gorilla brother, jumps from cliffs, runs through the forest like it’s a track, swings on a moving train, beats up an entire regiment just using his fists, punches a guy through the train wall, runs with lions, releases a heard of wilderbeasts into the nearby town, beats the bad guy, breaks the chains of the people, beats off the tribe chief with the diamonds, survives and explosion and returns to Jane. Unscathed (or barely scathed). Here’s a preview:

#ripped.

This guy kicks ass! And while delivering constant action, the movie does not fail to keep his funny side (thank you Samuel L. Jackson for the line that made me chuckle all evening)

Will Samuel L. Jackson Lick the Gorilla’s Balls?

In the end, Tarzan and Jane (Tarzene) are back together and omg, I just know it, they will have steamy sex again. More chemistry here than in Twilight and the following 5 movies!

Kudos to the movie for the authentic African setting, for the powerful message it sent to stop exploitation of humans and animals and to stop the killing of animals for their parts or as  a show of manly-hood. Loved the tribe tattoos (which from Nat Geo I knew they were made by drawing blood and then letting the wound heal) and to the songs of the people celebrating everything from a family reunion to a new birth. (guess who managed to conceive in the Jungle?) Alexander Skarsgard’s Abs and Margott Robbie (I bet their children will be gorgeous!)

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