I went to the movies last night with my BFF and I did not expect to see such a bad movie when I chose The new Transporter movie. The concept is the same – you have a kick ass driver, a cool car, a bad guy, a package to deliver that turns out to be alive and a lot of explosions!
I wasn’t expecting a lot to begin with but man, was I disappointed! The acting was wooden, the plot un-plausible and the characters un-memorable. I think the fact that bothered me the most was the constant branding shoved in your face:
Audi S8: Great engine capacity, close up shots of the remote control that works on an iPhone and can open doors, light on displays that look futuristic, slow motion movements through traffic and through an airport exit.
The movie starts with a 360 degree shot of their car and I thought for a second they were still showing adverts before the movie until some bad guys appeared and tried to steal the car and the Transporter fought them off by using elements of the car too (like the remote door opening).
I was unimpressed with the driving, it was way cooler with Jason Statham and in this one I saw little traffic avoidance (I think they emptied the streets to allow the car to showcase its power and speed) and the police following them seemed to be driving 1960’s 1l engine skodas. Just kidding, I have no idea what the police was driving, but they seemed to be turning over their cars every 30 seconds.
The driver was trying to be intense and mysterious, but I could not stop staring at his mouth. I think he needs braces… or maybe not. What do you think?
His face is nice but his body is way too thin. He looks undernourished (I want to feed him some Romanian Goulash when he comes to my city!)
The plot of the movie is about some ex-prostitutes robbing their former employers/pimps/mafia lords because… I don’t know – they were sold into prostitution by their parents and they could not find a different way to get money to send home? They were tired of the prostitution life-style? They wanted medical care? It’s not quite sure what motivates them to rob the guys blind than maybe the desire to be rich. They are sexy and there are loads of shots of them undressing in plain view and showing off their chops.
I mean, what woman do you know that when she comes back from work (in their case robbing), they slip into something more comfortable like …9 inch heels, low cut tops, ultra mini short shorts. And while they kidnap his dad, they kinda get into bed with him.
And what was with the “Sia- Chandelier” get up? They looked like clones or triplets.
Good things about the movie?
The fight scenes are very well choreographed. Every blow is delivered with precision and I saw bits of John Woo in there!
I also loved the emotion passing between father and son. They really had better chemistry than the boy and the hoes.
Bad things about the movie?
I’ll make a list, as there are a lot!
- Audi, audi, audi everywhere
- everyone has an iPhone or an iPad on display, with the logo on full view. I counted 12 shots before I got bored
- There is a close-up shot of a watch as he waits for the girls to come out of the bank. The watch is an Omega Speedmaster and it’s over $3,000. Long live movie advertising!
- The girls are lacking a backstory / individual self. We don’t know their names or where they come from until the last shot of the movie when money is being sent to their families
- The girls ideas to steal their bosses prints in order to access their accounts is a bit convoluted. If you’ve seen “Ant-Man”, you should know you can use some sellotape and glue to replicate a print.
- There are girls in underwear swinging their booty for at least 5 continuous minutes. No value added to the movie whatsoever
- If you are a crime lord, you do not keep all your millions into one account. That’s a given.
- If you are stupid enough to do so, you do not have a 4 digit pin to access the money. That is easily broken.
- When the bad guys jump at each other’s throats thinking that one stole their money as it was in his account, nobody bothers to check the date of the transfers which are clearly visible in a shot underneath. Or who the transfers were from. Or check with their bank to see where the money went. So much drama could have been avoided by looking at the transaction details…
- The dad of the Transporter gets kidnapped every time plot needs to happen.
- The dad of the Transporter is “poisoned” to get the son to cooperate in hopes of an antidote
- The dad of the Transporter is way too relaxed and cozy for a person found in a duress situation. I mean he kids around, he drinks beer, he chats with the girls.
- Cringe-worthy moment when the 50+ year old dad makes a move on a girl less than half his age. When he put his hands on her face to move a strand of hair, I thought I was going to puke.
- Also, the girls in the movie are overly-sexualized and showing off too much skin. I know I sound like a puritan, but in order to run a heist you don’t need sexy heels and mini skirts. Possibly they wanted to be sexy for the surveillance cameras… or for their inner goddess.
- For any transfers of money over $10,000, the US government is notified. I suppose them being crime lords and all, they did not have a US bank account. Any bank also gets involved for these types of transfers, unless they are within the same bank.
- How did the girl know the sort code and the bank code of who to target? I understand there was like a black book with accounts, but still, a bit risky.
- How did the girl know the accounts of The transporter and also of his dad to wire the money to?
- There were 4 girls (spoiler: 3 die). The remaining girl wires 75 millions to their families (225 millions), 10 mil to the transporter and his dad and leaves 75 mil for herself. There were 320 millions in the stolen account they were using. I would say that if there were 310 in that account, the amounts given to each family + the transporters would not have been nearly as rounded as the ones above.
- You have loads of girls in prostitution, a crime lord that has been taken out and you decide to help out only the immediate families of the girls who died? What good is it to make 3 families very rich if the other girls are still involved in the crap they were trying to escape? I say, give 10k to each family and then make a foundation to help the remaining prostitutes off the streets and also allow them to be trained to have a proper function in society. Possibly get them through drug rehab. Just my 2 cents.
To end this on a happy note, here is what I wanted to see: