Imagine going to the movies on a Friday night and instead be faced with a drama! From the classy intro to the tear jerking finale, Ted2 made me reconsider racism and minorities and made me donate £10,000 towards fighting corruption caused by massive corporations following their own agenda.
The movie starts on a happy note, with a marriage between a busty blonde and a teddy bear that can talk (and does not have a penis) and then very quickly jumps to a scene of marital distress. When money is short, tempers flare – and the young couple is seen arguing hotly over the last credit card bill, which shows purchases of designer clothes by the wife. The husband, rightly argues that no-one would be able to see the clothes at their workplace – she rebutes that she needs to look good to get high in the corporate chain. Spirits soar as things get violent – she throws her dinner at him and he overturns the table.
Arguing degenerates into a block-wide event and the neighbors join in into the screaming match. Very Italian!
After going on a night out with the boys (or best friend in this case) and a new working day, he decides that the best thing to do to save a failing marriage is get a baby. Only a baby can bring two people together who do not get along…
She is excited by the prospect of being a mom and Ted goes on a quest to find a sperm donor. He quickly escalates his methods when he sees that simply asking a celebrity for sperm does not work – to actually stealing the sperm from Tom Brady.
After asking for his best friend’s sperm, he finds out that his wife is infertile due to years of substance abuse. Even the doctor is sickened by the state of her uterus. This does not stop the couple as they decide to adopt a baby instead. The legal system declares Ted a property and not a person, and Ted decides to start a legal battle to declare his personhood.
What makes a person a person?
Is it their ability to talk? To feel? To be a contributing member of society? To pay tax? To have a job?
All these questions and a few more comparisons to the way slaves were treated as property in the South made me think that the poor guy was truly an oppressed minority. His marriage is annulled, he looses his job, he becomes disillusioned with life.
All changes when they decide to see the biggest Civil Rights attorney in the States. They go on a Road Trip to New York and on the way there, Ted’s lawyer shows poor judgement by letting Ted drive. It’s a criminal offence to let a minor, short, and unqualified driver on the roads. He also proves to be a danger for others when he is speeding and smoking and tapping the keys for an invisible piano on his steering wheel and closing his eyes when driving into oncoming traffic.
When they miraculously survive the tragic accident that follows without getting paralyzed, they arrive in New York to find out that the lawyer declined their case. Ted has a fight with his best friend and runs off into ComicCon to be among the outcasts.
In the mean time, Hasbro decides to give aspiring janitor a go and allow him to kidnap Ted to find out how he ticks. The gruesome fight and the binding of Ted to a table, just to see a knife put through him almost made me scream in terror. This is a comedy, not a horror flick!
Their friends arrive just in time to save Ted and foil the evil plan and to expose an embarrassing male baldness of the anti-hero.
In a last attempt to destroy Ted, the bad guy slices a wire that was the ONLY thing keeping a massive Star Ship Enterprise from falling down and Ted’s mate jumps and saves him, getting hurt in the process.
The nation tears in unison after seeing how Ted was so vailantly saved by another person and due to the publicity, the high-class lawyer decides to ride on the wave and accept the case he previously declined, thus allowing Ted to go to court and be a person again.
Ted’s friend dies, and after a very long moment we find out that it was only a cruel, sick, disgusting joke that he played to get back at Ted.
Ted gets married again and they adopt a baby successfully.
They did not mention how long it took to get the baby but a normal adoption process can take between 2 and 4 years and costs about £10k in fees. I wonder whether Ted had to get a second job for this?
What did you think about the movie? Comments open below.