Dirty Christmas Carols (funny)

(to jingle bells)1990

Jingle Bells
Batman Smells
Robin Laid an Egg
The Batmobile Lost a Wheel
And Joker got away

THE JOKER GOT AWAY!
THE JOKER GOT AWAY!

(to Twelve Days Of Christmas)

On the first pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Destruction with only one knee.

On the second pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only own knee.

On the third pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the fourth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the fifth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the sixth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the seventh pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the eighth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Eight tears a-sulking,

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the ninth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Nine combat kickings,

Eight tears a-sulking,

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the tenth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Ten guns a-shooting,

Nine combat kickings,

Eight tears a-sulking,

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the eleventh pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Eleven skulls a-cracking,

Ten guns a-shooting,

Nine combat kickings,

Eight tears a-sulking,

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee.

On the twelfth pain of Christmas,

Chuck Norris sent to me

Twelve bodies crushing,

Eleven skulls a-cracking,

Ten guns a-shooting,

Nine combat kickings,

Eight tears a-sulking,

Seven teeth a-spitting,

Six punch a-hitting,

Five painful swings,

Four dying herds,

Three dead men,

Two knuckle shoves,

And destruction with only one knee!

(to twas the night before christmas)

‘Twas the morning of Christmas: all hell had broke loose

Little Tommy was bawling and screaming abuse

The stockings were flung cross the room with great force

That bastard St. Nick’las had screwed up.of course!

The iPod expected was not to be found

The Xbox 360? ‘Twas nowhere around

A present lay open, but he couldn’t look

For it was (Tommy dry-heaved)A DUMB FREAKIN’ BOOK!

With writing and binding, and an index and pages

Tommy yelled, “What the F? Is this the middle ages?

I can’t even pawn it for favours or cash”

And so, with a flourish, it went in the trash

Composure returnedtwenty eight gifts to go!

Tommy tore at a box like a smack-addled ho

He shrieked, closed his eyes (and his pants he did wet)

What a blood-curdling sight’twas a JUNIOR PAINT SET!

With a mouth dry of s’liva, and a tum full of sick

Tom thought hard about pistol-whipping St. Nick

Or finding his sleigh and “adjusting” the brakes

And to finisha dinner of fine reindeer steaks!

No cellphone! No Nikes! No Eminem CD!

A sweater! Some mittens! A jacket, so tweedy!

Tommy climbed on the roof and he started to shout

“Hey Santa Claus! Santa Claus! SORT THIS S*** OUT!”

“I’ve done all my homework the best that I can,

Only ONCE did a Fedex my sis to Japan

The cat didn’t need BOTH its ears, I surmised,

So the crappiness of these gifts has me surprised!”

“I made me a list and I checked it ten times

Created a website and put it online

Twenty billboards were hired; a sky-writer or three

Even Leno gave me a quick plug on TV”

So began Tommy’s mad anti-Santa tirade

“When I’m eighteen, an ant-farm won’t help me get laid!

I really must ask, Santawhat kind of d**k,

When I ask for a skateboard, brings a Pogo Stick?”

“I thought you were cleverI thought you were funky

But now, I’d have more confidence in a monkey!

You’ve got a weight problem; your dress sense is wack

And the beard makes you look like a vagrant on crack”

“You live in an igloo, and hang out with elves

Who I’d guess (by their smiles) like to pleasure themselves

I’ve had it with Christmas, so next year I’m gonna

Change my name to Bandahook up with Madonna!”

In the midst of his rant, Tommy boy heard a sound

And a nicotine-stained, sweaty hand turned him round

Kris Kringle stood there, and with whisky-dulled slur

He bellowed “You nasty, ungrateful young CUR!”

“You think I enjoy all these hours of graft?

And squeezing my huge ass down some chimney shaft?

I’m tired and cranky, you arrogant pup

So, if you’d be so kind.JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!”

He sprang to his sleigh with a leap that was so swift

And took off, burying little Tom in a snowdrift

And we heard him exclaim, as a big grin he flashed

“Happy Kwanzaa to allnow, I’m off to get TRASHED!!”

(to Have a holly jolly Christmas)

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

It’s the breast time of the year!

Lotsa “elves”,

With lovely shelves,

And red-furred white-trimmed rears!

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

And when you walk down the street

Say hello,

To girls who show,

Their reindeer-rumps so sweet!

Oh, ho!

Your missile-toe!

Hung where she can see!

Some hottie waits for you –

Kisses, from her knees!

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

Ev’ry Star Trek geek’ll cheer –

“Oh my Scotty, beam me up a naughty Christmas, this year!”

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

It’s the breast time of the year!

The egg-nog

From your yule-log

Will fill her cup with cheer!

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

And when your girl trims your tree

Stand below,

Her ladder,

So,

Her balsam fir you’ll see!

Oh, ho!

Her Camel-Toe!

Wondrous woman’s Vee!

Her stocking waits for you –

Stuff it, once for me!

Have a hottie naughty Christmas!

With a case or two of beer –

Get her blotty!

Have a hottie naughty

Christmas,

This year!

(to jingle bells)

Pulling down her pants

Yanking off my own

underneath the mistletoe

I’ll make your sister moan.

Your sisters hot! Your sisters hot and we’ll go all the way!

(I wish you a Merry Christmas)

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

I wish I could see her naked

and down on all fours!

(Hannakuh song) 

You Have a little sister, she gets hotter everyday

And if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play

Sister, Sister, Sister, Sister

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