Superman Jokes

Evolution_of_SupermanAs much as we love the Man of Steel, we can’t deny that he’d make a lousy stand-up comedian.

Just picture this scenario:

Superman: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I just flew in from Metropolis and boy, are my arms tired!

*crickets chirping*

Superman: Ooookay, tough crowd. Anyway, my father can hold up a bus with one hand!

*more crickets chirping*

Superman: Alright, who wrote this junk?!

Chimp: Ooh Ooh ee ah ah ah! (Translation: JUNK?! My writing is pure gold!)

Anyway…
Even though Superman can’t joke about himself, WE can! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the pokes, jabs, and slams on America’s greatest Superhero!

 

Superman climbed the Empire State Building and challenged King Kong to a fight.
King Kong said, “I don’t have time. I have to catch a plane!”

Superman, Santa Clause, and a blonde are walking along and see a dollar lying on the sidewalk.
Who picks it up first?

The blonde, because the other two don’t exist!

Superman writes on the wall: Batman is a wuss.

The next day, Batman writes on the wall: Superman is Clark Kent.

What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day?
“That’s mighty bigamy!”

What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
“That’s awful bigamy!”

Q: What would you find in Superman’s bathroom?

A: Superbowl.

Q: What do you get if you cross the man of steel with a hot vegetable broth?

A: Souperman!

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, “You know, it’s a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!”

The second drunk says, “You’re crazy!”

The first drunk says, “I’m serious! Watch!” The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, “Let me try!”
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you’re drunk!”

Superman’s strength was beyond measurement.
It could only be lost, little by little, if he *ahem* enjoyed the company of a mortal woman.
One day, he ran into Lois Lane and she took him up to her apartment for an evening of entertainment.
Each bout removed a tiny amount of Superman’s great power.
The next morning, Superman got out of bed, went to the window, lifted the shade,
and went up with it!

One-Liners:

Superman’s been wearing that one outfit for over half a century.
He’s strong–and a little gamy, I think!
Now I know why Superman left Krypton.
Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

Lois Lane is Crazy about Superman.
On Valentine’s Day, she sends a card to the phone company!

Because of his X-ray vision, Superman is unable to pass an eye test.
When he looks at an eye-chart, he sees through it to a billboard in the next county!

As mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman is afraid of girls.
He’s worried that he’ll run into the one he stole the red and blue suit from!

Superman can fly across the country in ten minutes.
A little longer, if he’s on stand-by!

Superman used to fly across the country much faster.
Now he has to go by way of Atlanta!

I think Superman would be cooler if he was the Man of Reinforced Plexiglass.
Bullets would still bounce off, but we’d get the added bonus of seeing real superhero internal organs.

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