Now this is awkward

Hey y’all! It’s the happy Ferkel again! Well, loads of stuff happened recently so I waited a little bit to see how they develop to be able to give a full description. I was annoying my sexy landlord as usual and as it was really nice outside he asked me to tag along on his walk.
I was like “Yeah, bitch, walk me anywhere!”. Of course I did not say that out loud as I would have appeared slightly deranged. Well, more than slightly. And he mentions casually that he has to do a delivery to his mom and wondered if I would tag along? I would be treated to luke-warm tea as I like it if I say yes. I said, why not?
So… this Saturday I got to meet his parents, drink tea in their posh living room, all dolled up in a dress with my sexy gay¬†best friend next to me. Ahhm. His family do not know he’s not straight. I found out only after we left when he told me that his mother thinks we are dating… and that he likes me. If he would have told me this before telling me he likes wieners, I would have been overjoyed, now I only took it with an approving nod.
Now, the oddities did not stop. He took me to lunch at a posh pub where we had popcorn chicken and garlic mushrooms and he had a few pints. Not beer, but cider. I was looking at him trying to determine whether he was drunk or not, and well.. he was. After two drinks of cider (I call it pussy drinks), he was tipsy. He was laughing, walking a bit bendy and he started getting lovelier – if that is even possible.
Garlic Mushrooms and popcorn chickenHe hugged me for about 5 minutes, squeezed me tight, got my heart racing in my ears and kept saying my name over and over again. “Julsy ballsy” he calls me because I’ve got balls ūüôā ¬†and my name is Jules.
He never had such long contact with me and I was getting a bit restless. I know people behave differently when they are drunk and none of it should be taken to heart. Especially when they go manic and start telling you all their deepest darkest secrets.
“Julsy, I love you. If I was straight, we would have been married by now. Seriously”
Aham… now – how should I reply to that? I kept silent and just nodded. He would not remember anything by morning time so it would not be great to go into confessions of my own in case he does. I was so¬†flabbergasted¬†that I put an air-freshner in the car and said “Oh, this is so tight in that I would only be able to get it off with a spoon. I mean knife! Knife! Don’t laugh!” Too late – he was rolling on the floor laughing hard. He gave me another embrace and then he fell on the floor laughing. I’ve never seen such a cheery drunk in my life. All from two pints of cider.
The next morning he was looking a bit rough so I made sure I spoke slowly and softly to him as not to cause him a headache. But he seemed to be stuck to me like glue. He followed me around the house playing shadow, taught me how to do a proper wave and then we went shopping together. I really thought he forgot everything that he’d done the day before, including the very sweet hugs, until he said “I can’t believe you wanted to take out the air-freshner with a spoon!” and chuckled.
I kept my eyes on the road, holding my breath to hear if he said anything about everything else but he remained silent.
We went in the lovely posh store called “Tesco” and while we were looking at electronics, I got this urge to give him a hug. So I did. And what followed left me a little bit broken. He pushed me away and said “Ewww, I can’t believe you are trying to rape me in plain view”. I knew I crossed the line again, he obviously does not like being touched by women and he only feels¬†comfortable¬†when he initiates the move. I still feel a bit bad now, after two days, and am trying really hard not to touch him, even casually. As I’m a contact person, I like to touch people when I’m talking to them – always did and always will – but this abstinence is really difficult for me.
I’m just hoping it’s going to pay off and he’ll feel the need for closeness again. Either that or I shall give him cider daily

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Written by theFerkel