Office Terms for the busy people

BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM – Career Limiting Move – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.

OHNO-SECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking> the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Michael, my … um, friend.”

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the Couch Potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

CHIPS AND SALSA – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

G.O.O.D. Job – A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill, etc.

DEINSTALLED – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a VicePresident at a downsized computer firm: “You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.”

VULCAN NERVE PINCH – The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for a Mac computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the THREE FINGERED SALUTE.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: “We owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”

ASSMOSIS – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
 

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