It’s been a few days since I talked about our lovely gay gorgeous guy. We’ve been going to the gym together and while he’s looking hotter, I feel sore all over and have found it increasingly difficult to do simple tasks like putting my hands up for Detroit or snap my hair back and forth.
Instead, I have been feeling the need for some affection and I’ve been getting loads. I got a massive cuddle yesterday after work (think about a 3 minute hug) and a lovely chill-out while watching telly. I was really tired so I put my head down on the pillows on the couch. Three seconds later, a hand creeps up and starts stroking my nose. And then my chin. And when I tried to bat off the hand, a finger started caressing the back side of my palm.
Needless to say, I enjoyed it. Even though afterwards I figured this is something you would do to a napping dog rather than a woman 
Oh, why couldn’t he be straight!! Damn genes or bust brain – no idea what causes the gayness attraction – but still, screw it. Perfect little guy with one massive flaw. Not so perfect. Eh, who am I to complain, I have the naughtiest mind in the world and I thrive on one dirty joke a day!
And hugs. Let’s not forget hugs!
Tag Archives: love
All as one in the Park – London Festival
This weekend will be mental!! I and my lovely, cute, adorable little gay landlord will be going to one of the biggest gay festivals in the UK! All in London, Victoria Park!
I thought to myself – if you can’t beat them, join them! He is so right for me – even though he likes men – he told me already that if he were straight, he would have been already on one knee with his hand out proposing away so I kinda get he’s feeling it too. And he’s not being a jerk about it either like some guys I used to know. I mean, I know it’s ego-boosting to see a girl fall head over heels in love with you, but you don’t have to be childish and shout it to the whole world and laugh about it! (Thank you Dan, asshole).
He is kind, he is smart, he is important (“The Help”).
So, back on track. We’re going to a GAY Festival. Meaning we’ll see a lot of this:
We spent a while talking about what we’re going to wear (as he does not want to show off his pecs nor does he want to go there wearing pink or feathers). I already decided on one of my Hell Bunny dresses that fits me (for some reason most of my dresses have trouble fitting on me because of my chest). He is thinking about wearing a pair of black jeans and a cool t-shirt. I sooo hope it won’t rain or be cold and nasty – because being the cheap asses that we are, we are going to walk from the Victoria Bus station to the park (which will take roughly 2h).
We also bought really cheap bus tickets from Northampton to London (£17 for a roundtrip) and considering how much the tickets were (£45) we will be in a lot of trouble if we’re not careful with the spending. Why is there always so much month at the end of the money?
Either way, it looks like it’s going to be a really good weekend!
PS: Do you think they’ll let me in? He’ll definitely be allowed in ’cause he’s gay but me… I’m straight as a pole. Maybe I can say I’m a drag queen or post-op I hope they won’t make me Kiss a Girl to be able to get in.
Blind Date
I decided that I was not going anywhere with my little cute gay landlord so I decided to go out with a guy I’ve never seen before. Except online. Partially naked. Really hot. He pulled up in a posh car, gave me a kiss and a cuddle and we had a reaaaally good time.
Problem is, I cannot keep my mouth shut. During the “date” with Monsieur Gareth, I have been talking about my crush, what he does, how cute he is, how happy he makes me and believe it or not, my date felt compelled to say that he will call me again and had to rush off. Well, how do I say this – he won’t be missed. One, he was way too short for me, two – he spoke in a very aggressive manner, fast pace, like he wanted to know the answer straight away without a pause. Him having an army background made it clear to me that he would not be around either way and made me realize something really important:
I love my gay best friend.
I do.
I really really do.
He is funny, he is attentive and he – as much as he can – loves me back. He even said the other day – “Jules, if you were a man, you’d be in my bed by now. We’d be partners for ever and ever”.
“But I’d still be fluffy and you would not want to date me”
“I’d take you to the gym, make you work out until you were toned and date you then.”
I told him about my date and he was shocked. I did not think he would be jealous but he was! He asked me about 6 times – “so, are you going to see him again?”. And everytime I said “nope” he would get a bit more relaxed. I told him that he is my no.1 man and when I decide I wanna get really serious about someone, I’ll let him know first. He chewed on this piece of information for a while and then yesterday he comes up with this beauty.
“Jules, we should get married. I don’t know how it would work, but I love you. We could have an open relationship. And separate bedrooms. But we’ll do all the rest together.”
I was trying really hard to keep a straight face. Me love him so much! And I did think of this but … hmm … not with separate bedrooms 
and not that open of a relationship. Me want him. It sucks sometimes that I can’t get him to like women, but well, the day is not over yet and there are plenty of possibilities.
PS: Advice for the lovelorn: If you love somebody, don’t try to date. You won’t like whomever you pick because you’ll keep comparing them to your crush, you’ll bore them to death with tales about your guy and your crush will suffer from not being in the center of your universe anymore. It will make him jealous and possessive and bring out the ancestral side of men. They will try to claim you and mark you as their territory (even though they don’t do anything on that territory).
To make it clearer, he came to me after telling him about my date and rubbed his body against my side. He said I’m his lamppost and now I’m his again ’cause I carry his scent. Weirdo
Thank you boobs!
I’ve been trying for a while to at least get to base one with my landlord who is attracted to the same sex… (not the same as mine though) and I have finally made some progress! Yes!
I bought some t-shirts off of e-bay (pre-worn, pre-loved) and there was one with the Buffalo’s (I assume that’s some American football team). It was a size too small but still looked great on me and I decided to wear it out shopping.
I come downstairs and what I hear: “Damn! Look at those knockers! OMG! They are huuuuge! I’m not going shopping with you! All the men will be staring at those! OMG! They burn my eyes!”
I look down, and yes, the t-shirt was clinging to my size D (or maybe E) boobs. He’s gay, he shouldn’t be affected by boobs! So, I decided to wear the t-shirt to see how much I can make him suffer (evil laugh). HE makes me suffer well enough being cute and sexy and adorable and walking half naked in the morning (or sometimes just covered in a towel so I can admire his pecs and muscular legs), so why shouldn’t I?
So, we went shopping. He would lift his hand up to shield his eyes from my boobs when he was talking to me and he told me not to jump up when I was feeling excited. 
I jumped, and bounced and even convinced him to do a chest slam! He staggered back a few feet and if my eyes did not deceive me, I can swear I gave him a boner!
Not all hope is lost, dear friends! He can be swayed to straightness (and to my bed) and once he goes Ferk he never goes beck! I so suck at rhymes!
Love Confession of an Emo
My whole body trembles as I teeter on the edge of sanity.
My soul is burning. How can one live when you want to only get away from yourself? My insides crane and cramp as my intestines unravel. My hands are shaking like a heroine deprived addict.
And I am, but Love is my heroine. Trying to please, to do what is asked of me. Yet being kicked away, spit on and rejected, never good enough. Why do I tremble, why does my body quiver so? I feel as though I am watching life through a window. I feel distant and disconnected. Separated from the world.
I am unraveling, barely kept alive. Break in any moment, just need one button pushed, and I will break down, lose everything. I’m struggling to keep myself calm, ready to burst into tears at any moment. As absurd as I once thought it- considering how dead I feel, how much I want to feel real, alive.
I shake more and more as the seconds pass, how do I stay alive? When I try to stand, my body begins to fail me, a sudden weakness engulfs my limbs. Speak softly, quietly, do not disturb the rest of the world.
Distance yourself, revel how you feel, act like it, -Disconnected from the world.
My body still quivers and shakes. My face is emotionless and my movements silent and slow, do not reveal your weakness, don’t show that you are dead.
It is time to bite the bullet, accept your fate and die.
Stop your futile efforts, give up and eat the dirt.
I struggle to keep my eyes open, keep the darkness at bay. Close them and it enthralls me, tempts me with its silence
Now this is awkward
Hey y’all! It’s the happy Ferkel again! Well, loads of stuff happened recently so I waited a little bit to see how they develop to be able to give a full description. I was annoying my sexy landlord as usual and as it was really nice outside he asked me to tag along on his walk.
I was like “Yeah, bitch, walk me anywhere!”. Of course I did not say that out loud as I would have appeared slightly deranged. Well, more than slightly. And he mentions casually that he has to do a delivery to his mom and wondered if I would tag along? I would be treated to luke-warm tea as I like it if I say yes. I said, why not?
So… this Saturday I got to meet his parents, drink tea in their posh living room, all dolled up in a dress with my sexy gay best friend next to me. Ahhm. His family do not know he’s not straight. I found out only after we left when he told me that his mother thinks we are dating… and that he likes me. If he would have told me this before telling me he likes wieners, I would have been overjoyed, now I only took it with an approving nod.
Now, the oddities did not stop. He took me to lunch at a posh pub where we had popcorn chicken and garlic mushrooms and he had a few pints. Not beer, but cider. I was looking at him trying to determine whether he was drunk or not, and well.. he was. After two drinks of cider (I call it pussy drinks), he was tipsy. He was laughing, walking a bit bendy and he started getting lovelier – if that is even possible.
He hugged me for about 5 minutes, squeezed me tight, got my heart racing in my ears and kept saying my name over and over again. “Julsy ballsy” he calls me because I’ve got balls and my name is Jules.
He never had such long contact with me and I was getting a bit restless. I know people behave differently when they are drunk and none of it should be taken to heart. Especially when they go manic and start telling you all their deepest darkest secrets.
“Julsy, I love you. If I was straight, we would have been married by now. Seriously”
Aham… now – how should I reply to that? I kept silent and just nodded. He would not remember anything by morning time so it would not be great to go into confessions of my own in case he does. I was so flabbergasted that I put an air-freshner in the car and said “Oh, this is so tight in that I would only be able to get it off with a spoon. I mean knife! Knife! Don’t laugh!” Too late – he was rolling on the floor laughing hard. He gave me another embrace and then he fell on the floor laughing. I’ve never seen such a cheery drunk in my life. All from two pints of cider.
The next morning he was looking a bit rough so I made sure I spoke slowly and softly to him as not to cause him a headache. But he seemed to be stuck to me like glue. He followed me around the house playing shadow, taught me how to do a proper wave and then we went shopping together. I really thought he forgot everything that he’d done the day before, including the very sweet hugs, until he said “I can’t believe you wanted to take out the air-freshner with a spoon!” and chuckled.
I kept my eyes on the road, holding my breath to hear if he said anything about everything else but he remained silent.
We went in the lovely posh store called “Tesco” and while we were looking at electronics, I got this urge to give him a hug. So I did. And what followed left me a little bit broken. He pushed me away and said “Ewww, I can’t believe you are trying to rape me in plain view”. I knew I crossed the line again, he obviously does not like being touched by women and he only feels comfortable when he initiates the move. I still feel a bit bad now, after two days, and am trying really hard not to touch him, even casually. As I’m a contact person, I like to touch people when I’m talking to them – always did and always will – but this abstinence is really difficult for me.
I’m just hoping it’s going to pay off and he’ll feel the need for closeness again. Either that or I shall give him cider daily
CAUSE I REALLY LIKED HIS HUGS
Still happy :)
I think I am one of the few people that can count themselves lucky with what they have. Yes, I still yearn to cuddle my landlord’s hot body, but I learned to live with the fact and accept that one’s preferences cannot be changed by fate.
And that I would be a complete jackass to try to convert him into straightness. How odd would I feel if all of a sudden, a girl I knew for a few months suddenly came on to me and try to convince me that lesbian sex is more awesome than anything I would have experienced so far? Not good. Not good I tell you. I would be intrigued like I was when somebody mentioned Ice Cream and Coke together but not interested enough to actually give it a go. So we stayed house mates.
But – maybe because I am cute as hell (when I want to) – or maybe because I was bold enough to tell him I was attracted to him – I kinda get special treatment now. I can occasionally do the dishes (this IS a great accomplishment) and he is polite enough to try on what I cook. I’ve tasted my cooking and it’s disgusting.
Side benefits of having a gay best friend – you can stop wearing makeup (not that I did in the first place – I like myself au naturel). I can stop wearing a bra (sigh of relief here) and I can totally drool over guys in movies. I mean – how hot is the guy from Game of Thrones (Jon Snow) or Zach Effron, or Justin Timberlake? YYYYYUUUUM! And we can both go: “I would so take him in and have him round the house!” lol.
And the best part is: when you’ve had a really long day at the office, there will always be someone at home waiting for you to hear all about it.
You know what? Compared to my ex – this guy has been a jewel. He’s not complaining, he’s kind, considerate, ever so lovely and even when I become really annoying he’s telling me in a very gentle way to pack it in . Oh fuc…fudge. I am screwed. Totally and awesomely in love
Why do I like guys that are not available?
So here I am again, tortured and tormented by this devil called love. I know men and women can never be friends once they pass the intimacy barrier- ie: seeing each other naked, hearing a muffled fart here and there, getting hugs for coming home, calling an texting just because…
Hey, I might be wrong, there have been flatmates before, and housemates, and they managed somehow to survive in close proximity without falling in love or worse.. falling in lust!
I’ve said before that I developed this weird crush on my totally out of the closet landlord and I find myself hoping that one morning he will wake up straight. or at least bi-curious.
I can’t wait to get home so I can see his cute mug, watch his toned body moving about and wishing that this urge to ride him like a pony would go away!
It’s so bad that I’ve lost all interest in the rest of men-kind and the only person I would like to be with is him.
I would like to wake up in the morning and have him next to me, I’d like to go to sleep cuddling next to him but it seems so pointless … he likes tails. I don’t have one! I won’t be able to give him the shaggs he deserves ’cause I ain’t got the tools 
Maybe I can be inventive!
Heh, I may have a problem. I feel absolutely in love, I have the fluters, the weak knees, the desire to constantly touch him but he’s unavailable and will never be available for my kind.
I remember reading in an article that women go for men they can’t have (gay, married, bosses) just because they know they can’t have them and being rejected is a real possibility.
Plus the thrill! Doing something forbidden, taboo, out of social norms! Count me in!
I shall now lie and tell you that it never crossed my mind how awesome it wiuld be if I converted a dedicated gay guy to the straight life after a good roll in the hay! But as he said it: if you don’t like fish soup (that’s the single type of food I find too disgusting to eat), you can’t enjoy it, no matter who cooks it for you.
Meaning that I am as attractive to him as fish soup is to me.
Eh, I still love him. Fish soup or not.
Did you say domestic dispute?
I have been having a great week so far and it’s all thanks to my landlord. I know last time I was saying that I was kinda developing a crush on him… well… I did something bold.
I told him I wanted to … hmmm.. how should I say this without getting offensive… I wanted to try out the candy in the candystore.
Well, it turns out that he also likes candy, but not my style of candy. He likes … hmm… cakes and cookies. Still sweets but in the other camp.
Heh! Now there is a loss for all the women in the world – a good looking guy not batting for the team! Why does he have to join the ranks of Enrique Iglesias, Zachary Quinto, Elton John and Gandalf and Dumbledore?!
The best part is that I’ve never had such a special friend before and I shall take very good care of him. ‘Cause he’s special! We’re going to be best buds and have an awesome time together!
This ain’t gonna happen:
So to all you guys out there reading this: I’m (still) single, happy and most of all, feeling good about myself. I was starting to think that my seduction power was wearing off but it ain’t!
A lover asked his beloved…
A lover asked his beloved:
- Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I’ve disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I’ve forgotten all my learnings,
but from knowing you I’ve become a scholar.
I’ve lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself…I love you.
I love you…I love myself.
DEEPAK CHOPRA & DEMI MOORE DO YOU LOVE ME LYRICS
