The funniest cats of YouTube – Top 5

First off, my favourite Trololo Cat

Second, it’s my favourite cat… well, it’s not mine, it’s Simon’s. Simon’s Cat starring in Cat Man Do:

My third favourite is the baby kitten along with the momma cat. And the poor little thing is having a bad dream! No worries, mamma cat to the rescue!

Fourth on the list is the stalking kitty:

Last but not least, is the cat who does not want to have a bath. Period. NO!

When a brother names your kids (Joke)

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a coma. 6 months later she wakes up and finds out that she is not pregnant anymore, that she has two children – a boy and a girl.

When asking about the kids names, she finds out that her brother named them.

“Oh no! Not my brother! He likes to joke around a lot.”, she exclaims. “What are my kids’ names?”

“Well, he named the girl Denise”, said the doctor.

“That’s not so bad! What’s my son’s name?”

“Denephew”

The Equalizer vs. The Guest

So I heard you like action movies? I see you nod your head. I hear you also liked hard-core men that know how to fire a gun and don’t look like a pussy when doing it. You’re still nodding. I heard that you like cold-blooded psychopaths with a tendency for paranoia and a lack of empathy that only need a reason to unfold their sadistic desires – and that reason may well be gone by the time they are doing it. You are looking confused now.

I have seen two movies recently, one with Denzel Washington called The Equalizer, where a former special ops who is working at “Home Depot” decides to be a killing machine (*cough*) – I didn’t mean that – Decides to make the world he is living in a little better because he can.

The-Equalizer-Denzel-WashingtonI should have known he was not truely sane when he folded his tea bag in a napkin and then he went to a cafe at 2 in the morning to drink it – every night. His reading habit pleased me and so did the reason behind it – his late wife wanted to read the best 100 books before she died but she only made it to 91. His obsessive nature can be seen as he sits down, puts the book to his left, picks up the fork and puts it aside, picks up the knife and puts it aside, picks up the napkin and the spoon and pushes them under the book, spoon face down – until the tea comes. When I first saw this scene I was thinking “OCD, OCD, OCD!” :)

chloe-grace-moretz-equalizer-3Now he is a nice guy. He likes this lovely girl, who just happens to be a prostitute, but not because she wants to – because she is made to by her Russian pimp. She is a sweet girl and when she starts showing up with bruises and then gets sent to the ICU with a massive beating, he goes to see the Russian pimp – who is in fact the head of the Russian Mob operations for that part of America (how convenient).

He offers to buy her freedom for a weird amount (9800$) which makes me think this is all the cash he had.

The pimp refuses (obviously a good whore can bring more than that in her lifetime – so why sell a good asset?) so our guy goes into this trance (very very similar to Sherlock Holmes) where he sees everything in great detail and then within 30 seconds delivers death to all the men in that room. He is fast, he is accurate, every blow he strikes is meant for the kill. He is the most efficient killer I have seen on screen. And the only one to kill with a corkscrew. The Russians immediately send in their best man – I loved this guy too! He is there to fix things when they go wrong. And man, he can fix things!!

I only wished they used Kevin Spacey for his role. He would have been perfect. This guy was only a 9/10. He managed to deliver a very good performance. The tension in the cinema when he killed this ho was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. The fact that he did it on The Swan Lake tune just made it better.

the-equalizer-photos-5

 

To summarize it – Bob (Denzel) calls in his connections at Washington to find out who he’s dealing with and then goes on to bring down their entire operation. He spares a few lives (the detective) just so that people won’t take him as the next Dexter. But everyone else dies. He even kills his arch-nemesis with a nail gun – and I saw him use a broken mirror for another dude.

All ends well though – the girl he was trying to help got better, got a job, found 9800$ on her bed when she woke up. He is living as normal.

What they don’t account for is the media response… there is no report of what the people at Home Depot did AFTER they found out they had a ruthless killer among them. Or what his neighbours did. He should have become a local celebrity after this. eh, sometimes you don’t have to wish for a perfect ending.

You asked me what do I see when I look at you. It’s what you see when you look at me.

The Guest

The second psychopath comes from The Guest, played by Dan Stevens.

THE GUESTFirst off, he is gorgeous! Even my gay friend was like “I would like him to kill me every day! With his blue eyes!” 

theguest2This is the story of a grieving family who have lost their son at war and receive an unexpected visit from an old friend of his who just got discharged. They are so stupid and do not check his credentials or his background (well, they do, but by then it’s too late) and they let this virtually unknown man stay in their house.

He starts off saying that he will stay only a day or two, but the time seems to get longer and he gets involved in family affairs. He finds out that the boy is bullied and goes to his school to pick him up, finds out who the bullies were and kicks the shit out of them in a local bar. I loved it!!! As a survivor of high-school bullying I wish I had a psycho like this to help out.

The girl kinda falls for him – possibly after seeing him come out of the shower.

THE GUEST

He plays it cool but there are a few hints that he is not completely normal.

  1. The smile never really reaches his eyes
  2. He does not blink often
  3. His face fell when he was told that the girl called his base to find out who he was – I really saw the bad guy for a split second
  4. He does not seem to sleep
  5. He carries a knife with him and then gives it to the boy
  6. He instructs the boy that if he gets bullied again, visit the bully’s house, kill his family and burn the place down…

As expected, the military finds out where he was and sends men after him. We find out that he’s a failed experiment, escaped from the army bases and that he is literally a killing machine, hell bent on keeping himself alive and killing off all loose ends. And he starts off by killing the mother with a kitchen knife, the dad in a car crash, his gf in a restaurant bombing and then he goes after the boy & girl at the local school. This is when the movie gets really bad – acting wise. I was laughing at how bad it was. Up to this point it was acceptable even good in areas, but the ending – OMG! Totally predictable. The girl and boy shoot him dead and him dying was the worst acted dying scene in the history of movies. Well, not the worst, this guy is the worst:

Kareteci Kiz (English: “Karate Girl”) is a 1973 Turkish film.Go to 1:40 :)

 

 

 

So an old guy tries to make his younger wife pregnant (Joke)

does-wanting-a-rich-man-make-you-a-gold-diggerThere was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.


funny_weddings_embarassing_situation_young_woman_guest_teasing_an_old_manAn 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
Doctor : “Ahh, Pap, how are you feeling ?”
Old Man : “Great,”. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
Doctor ( Confused & Concerned)
“Pap, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but he was in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his Gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”
Old Man : (Suprise) “What ?!” “Why ? that is impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”
Doctor : (Laughing) “Exactly Pap!”


M_Id_50413_Old_manAn older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a gorgeous young gal on his arm. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
With that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at $40,000″, the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.Then I’ll come by and pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend that I had?”

Let’s be cops – Or how Hollywood ignores the law

I have seen “Let’s be cops” last night and I started cringing really hard at the stuff the guys impersonating cops were doing and how much the other cops let them get away with it without catching on to the fact that they are fake. Now, if I were a civilian being asked to pull over by a cop – I would demand to see his badge and ID and ask him to tell me his badge ID for me (he should know it by heart).

Also, a cop cannot ask you to get out of your vehicle. He can ask you to roll the window down while keeping your hands on the steering wheel, but not to get out. And a cop without a partner can’t do f&*k all – he needs a witness from his own peers in order to do anything… And what really annoyed me – you can’t check out surveillance material from NYPD or LAPD for the matter without a valid badge and a trail of paperwork… And not in a few hours/minutes!

OK – now for what Hollywood forgot to mention (or mentioned briefly)

Charge Did it ever happen in Real Life? Punishment
Cops smoking weed Cops Caught Smoking Weed… Even They Like Weed In NY state possession of 25 grams or less has been de-criminalized. That is to say if you are caught for the first time. The second time you will have to show up in court but it is still a minor offense and you will not go to jail. As the number of times caught the punishment goes up. If you are caught with more than 25 grams or you are smoking in a public place then you will be charged around 250$ and might go to prison.
Impersonating a police officer Manchester Police drop case of protester arrested for impersonating a police officer while wearing a pig mask

To get donuts

Directing traffic

At a funeral

Police Act 1996 s 90 created offences relating to the impersonation of a police officer:

(1) Any person who with intent to deceive impersonates a member of a police force or special constable, or makes any statement or does any act calculated falsely to suggest that he is such a member or constable, shall be guilty of an offence and liable on summary conviction to imprisonment for a term not exceeding six months or to a fine not exceeding level 5 on the standard scale, or to both.

(2) Any person who, not being a constable, wears any article of police uniform in circumstances where it gives him an appearance so nearly resembling that of a member of a police force as to be calculated to deceive shall be guilty of an offence and liable on summary conviction to a fine not exceeding level 3 on the standard scale.

(3) Any person who, not being a member of a police force or special constable, has in his possession any article of police uniform shall, unless he proves that he obtained possession of that article lawfully and has possession of it for a lawful purpose, be guilty of an offence and liable on summary conviction to a fine not exceeding level 1 on the standard scale.

Add more if you know any!!