Best Al Bundy Fat Jokes (Married with Children)

There’s only one dead guy in this mall and you’re looking at him.

Why is it that Elvis is dead but I’m in hell?

al bundy

Lady: ” You are very fresh!”
Al: ” No, Ma’am, that’s impossible. Because, for the last hour I’ve been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should have been easing it into the box.”
Al: ” I hate the supermarket. I always wind up in the 2000 items or less aisle behind some ugly lady in a mumu and curlers. And when everything is totaled up, then they go for the check book.
Like it never occured to them that they’d have to pay. And they always turn around and ask me: ‘What’s the date?’ Like it matters to me? All they’ve gotta do is look at the date on the milk and add one.”

Lady: ” I want something to go with this dress.”
Al: ” A bubling cauldron?”
Lady: ” You’ve got a lot of nerve.”
Al: ” I need it to get this close to your feet.”

Al: ” Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?”

Fat lady: ” It’s because of guys like that that I don’t wear shorts anymore.”
Al: ” You sure it wasn’t because of the guys with the harpoons?”

Al: ” She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold. Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could
do to him.”

Fat Lady: ” I need shoes.”
Al: ” The blacksmith’s right around the corner.”

Al: ” You may wonder why my house is tilting. Peg’s family is in town. 6 of ‘em, 12 if you count her mother.”

Fat Librarian: ” Could it be that you don’t have the money. Could it be that you’re a failure like I always knew you’d be.”
Al: ” Could it be that the nails that hold you chair together are from the planet Krypton.”

Fat Librarian: ” I could’ve retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?”
Al: ” You learned to eat library books.”

Fat Librarian: ” You’ve become the Freddie Krueger of the library system.”
Al: ” Does ‘suey’ mean anything to you?”

Fat Lady: ” Your ad said ‘Shoes to fit every foot.'”
Al: ” What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet. Face it, we have rib roasts with nails.”

Al: ” Think back when you were little. Roaming the range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself against a tree.”

Fat Lady: ” You’re in my sun. I’m trying to get an all-over tan.”
Al: ” You’re asking alot of the sun.”

Al: “…Sure women like football before you marry ‘em. But afterwards, the only hike you see is them hicking up their pants before they weld their backsides to the couch…
and talking about flying wench, let’s talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the term ‘as big as the planet’ but try to imagine everybody you know under one mumu…”

Al: ” People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should not have 20/20 vision.”

Al: ” A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse and I was able to grease my thumb and escape.”

Fat Lady: ” I want my money back. I’ve worn these shoes only once and they split at the sides.”
Al: ” Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there’s a 2 ton weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the bottom of your feet to give you added traction while you’re pulling the ice wagon.”

Fat Lady: ” You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”
Al: ” Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?”

Peg: ” Mom called. She got on the scale and it said 380. She’s been 374 since high school so she thinks she may be getting fat.”
Al: ” Maybe there’s 6 pounds of food stuck between her teeth.”

Fat Lady: ” Are ye done with my horse?”
Seamus Bundy: ” I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and to hang a sign around his neck saying,’ I’m with fatso.'”

Fat Lady: ” You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower Uncton will be forever in darkness.”
Seamus Bundy: ” What are you going to do? Float overhead.”

Al: ” This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her.”

Al: ” Oh, No. Not the ‘Sally Struthers Feed the Thord World’ channel.
Sally, open your purse up. I’m sure there’s enough Ding Dong’s and Ho Ho’s in there to start a new 7-11.”

Shamu the whale

Shamu

Al: ” Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in a poor guy’s face, I’ll be there. Wherever a guy tries to return a pair of shoes he’s worn for three months, I’ll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I’ll be there, too . Madam, if Shamu ever needs a mate, you’ll be there.”

Fat Lady: ” I’m not sure I like this shade of blue.”
Al: ” I’ll tell you what I’ll do then. We’ll stand you in front of a mirror. I’ll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell ‘moo’ and I’ll stop.”
Fat Lady: ” That’s it. I’m taking my business elsewhere.”
Al: ” May I suggest Jenny Craig.”

Al: ” I’m not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I’m in it to torture fat women.”

Al: ” A woman comes into the shoe store today, so huge she’s protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size 4 shoe. So I ask if she wants to eat them here or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.”

Fat Woman: “How dare you say that to my face!”
Al:”Well, I’d say it behind your back, but my car’s only got a half tank of gas!”

Al: “A fat woman clip-clops into the shoe store today says ‘I want something I can feel comfortable in, so I say ‘try Wyoming!'”

Al: “A fat woman sloshed into the show store today. Said she was retaining water. I told her not to worry the dam of cellulite should keep us all safe fot the next few years!!!”

Fat Model: ” Do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of ‘High Karate?'”
Al: ” Do you always go to work wearing curtins and smelling of Mars Bars?”

Fat Model: ” Oh, no, it’s the police. What did we do?”
Al: ” I don’t know. Maybe we missed a truck scale. But on the positive side, maybe he’ll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond.”

Ephram: ” It’s momma…She’s a little shy.”
Al: ” Of what, a metric ton?”

Al’s with a fat lady named Mrs. Blaub

Al: ” Mrs Blob…”
Fat Lady: ” That’s ‘Blaub.'”
Al: ” I know your name. It was a descriptive term.”

Al: ” I won’t take just anything like you at a buffet. What do you have for me?”
Fat Lady: ” Some Mennen Speedstick in my desk.”
Al: ” Let me give you a tip. It goes underneath your arms if you can ever get them horizontal.”

003

Sailor Moon Drinking Game

003- Whenever someone transforms…
– Whenever there is a Sailor Says at the end of the episode…
– Whenever they cut to a commercial/end the show on with the Sailor Senshi in a fix…
– Whenever there is the big sweat drop on someone…
– Whenever someone has hearts in her/his eyes…
– Whenever they show a picture of a bunny…
– Whenever somebody shows off the sign of love (index finger, thumb, and pinky fingers up with the other fingers down)…
– Whenever somebody shows off a peace sign….
– Whenever bad dubbing is obvious…
– Whenever somebody winks or grins with both eyes closed…
– Whenever Raye’s grandfather looks under a girl’s skirt or flirts with a girl…
– Whenever Raye’s grandfather does somesthing COMPLETLY bizzare and off-the-wall…
– Whenever the villains get defeated…
– Whenever the Densetsu theme is played as background music…
– Whenever the monster of the day is a trashy female…
– Whenever Naru and/or Umino get targeted…
– Whenever Usagi’s mother yells at her daughter…

Tuxedo Kamen – Mamoru

DARIEN03

- Mamoru saves the scouts…
– Mamoru calls Usagi “Meatball Head” (American DIC version!)…
– Mamoru fights Zoizite…
– Mamoru holds a rose…
– Mamoru complains about not knowing who he is…
– Mamoru rides his motorcycle…
– Mamoru appears at Moonlight Knight…
– Mamoru mentions how much he loves the moon princess/usagi…
– Mamoru kisses any of the senshi…
– Mamoru is at the Crown Arcade when he should be at work…
– Mamoru Leaves the arcade early,to go to work…
– Mamoru is wearing his goofy black shades…
– Mamoru is wearing his green jacket/suit…
– Mamoru flirts with the Sailor Senshi…
– Mamoru says a stupid speach that makes no sense…
– Mamoru talks to Motoki…

The Lunar Cats – Luna, Artemis, and Diana

bunny matze
– Luna yells at Usagi…
– Artemis tries to put the moves on Luna…
splash- Luna sits on Usagi’s head…
– Luna yells out a suggestion during a fight…
– Artemis lounges about doing nothing…
– Artemis is seen with Minako…
– Diana is hugged/petted by Chibi-Usa…
– Diana does ANYTHING cute…
– Luna “creates” a new object for the scouts…
– Luna teases Artemis…
– Luna or Artemis mutters ANYTHING under their breth…
– Diana cals Mamoru ‘sir’…
– Luna does that buggy-eyed exasperation bit…

Sailor Chibimoon – Chibi-Usa & Chibi-Chibi

Image0124-1502(TV1)[5]
Chibi-Usa:
– Chibi-Usa does something CUTE…
– Chibi-Usa saves the day…
– Chibi-Usa & Usagi get into a fight/arguement…
– Chibi-Usa plays with Hotaru…
– Chibi-Usa uses the Luna Ball…
– Chibi-Usa is seen with Mamoru…
– Chibi-Usa hugs, kisses, or otherwise glomps on Mamoru…
– CURE Members: Any time Chibi-Usa is shown in the show, take a drink to numb the pain…
– CULAPC (Chibi-Usa Lovers Against Project Cure) Members: Any time Chibi-Usa is shown in the show, take a drink in the hopes that one day you MIGHT defeat CURE… (Personal Rant: YEAH, RIGHT!!!)
– CUTE Members: Any time Chibi-Usa is shown in the show, take a drink to honor her cuteness…
– CHIP Members: Any time Chibi-Usa is shown in the show, take a drink if her hair is pink…
– LAKACUA (Let’s All Kick Annoying Chibi-Usa’s A$$) members: When you see Chibi-Usa, take a drink for every thought you have about her getting beat up.
– CULT Members: Any time Chibi-Usa is shown in the show, take a drink in hopes that this whole Chibi-Usa thing will end someday…
– CUBE (Chibi-Usa Bites Everyone) Members: Any time Chibi-Usa bites someone, take a drink…

Chibi-Chibi

- Chibi-Chibi says anything besides “chibi”; 2 if she’s not repeating something she just heard…
– Chibi-Chibi does something naughty that causes trouble for someone else…
– Chibi-Chibi has hints are dropped as to her true orgins…
– Chibi-Chibi appears as Chibi-Chibi-Moon…
– Chibi-Chibi does something decidedly un-toddlerlike and mysterious…
– Whenever anyone tries to learn more about Chibi-Chibi…
– Chibi-Chibi has a butterfly glides near her…

The Starlights

threelights
– The starlights search for their princess…
– The starlights sing on stage…
– The starlights make you wonder which gender they are…
– The starlights flirt with the senshi…
– The starlights are mobbed by fans…

Special Round – The Sailor Senshi Drinking Game!!!: Outer Senshi

outersuper

uranus-line

Sailor Uranus – Haruka

usagiu- Haruka drives SOMETHING…
– Haruka holds Michiru’s hand…
– Haruka gets jealous about Michiru…
– Haruka flirts with the other scouts…
– Haruka calls Usagi “Odango-sama”…
– The other scouts comment on how surprised they were to find out Haruka was really a girl…
haruka15- Haruka blushes/coughs/is flustered by Michiru…
– Haruka raises/twitches her eyebrow…
– Haruka dies in a painful, romantic way holding hands with Michiru…
– Haruka gets pissed off…
– Haruka says she doesn’t need the Inner senshi’s help. (Take two drinks if she’s wrong.)
– Haruka shows up *without* Michiru…
– Haruka detransforms and you can see her nekkid behind. ^_-
– Haruka gets a new henshin…
– Haruka puts her arm around Michiru…
– Haruka uses the Space Sword…
– Haruka uses the Space Sword and it doesn’t work…
(Take two drinks if Michiru comments on it. ^_- )

nep-line

Sailor Neptune – Michiru

doi- Michiru Sings…
– Michiru plays the violin…
– Michiru says a loaded statement to Haruka about their relationship…
– Michiru flirts with a guy to make Haruka jealous…
– Michiru dies in a painful/romantic way holding hands with Haruka…
– A guy flirts with Michiru…
– Michiru wears a kimono…
– Michiru proves she’s better at something than everyone else…
– Usagi says how she admires Michiru…
– Michiru gets upset…
– Michiru swims or shows up in a bathing suit…
– Michiru holds Haruka back…
– Michiru holds Haruka back and she dies…
– Michiru giggles…
– Michiru pulls out the Deep Aqua Mirror…

puu-line

Sailor Pluto – Setsuna

bigpluto
– Setsuna is seen holding her staff…
– Setsuna is seen carrying baby Hotaru…
– Setsuna mentions time and/or time travel…
– Setsna controls time…
– Setsuna eats ice cream…
– Setsuna drinks tea…
– Setsuna dies. (Take two drinks if another senshi kills her, and drain if she kills herself.)
– Setsuna pops up out of nowhere…
– Setsuna calls Chibiusa “Small Lady”…
– The time doors are shown…
– Sailor pluto shows up for the first time…
– Chibiusa calls her “Puu”…
– Setsuna makes an all-too-knowing comment…
– Setsuna smiles…
– Setsuna looks upset/troubled and something bad immediately happens…
– Setsuna uses an attack. (Take two drinks if it’s not ‘Dead Scream’, and three if it doesn’t work.)
– Setsuna wears the purple dress suit. (DRAIN if she wears something else!)

saturn-line

Sailor Saturn – Hotaru

16
– Hotaru is seen carrying her Glaive…
– Hotaru pulls her Glaive on another senshi…
– Hotaru comments on her dead mother…
– Hotaru makes an apperance as Mistress 9…
– Hotaru, as Mistress 9, screams…
– Hotaru, as Mistress 9, regains her memories…
– Hotaru calls Michiru and Haruka, “Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama”…
– Hotaru is shown anywhere under the age of twelve…
– Hotaru goes on a suicide mission…
– Hotaru heals someone…
– Hotaru whispers a thank you to ChibiUsa…

Show him your badge!! Joke

A police officer in Penticton stops at a local ranch.
He talks with an old rancher, and tells him.” I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs”.
The rancher says, ” OKay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he is pointing out the location.

The police officer verbally explodes saying,
” Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me”.
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the rancher.
” See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land … have I made myself clear”.

The rancher apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.

A short time later the old rancher hears loud screaming,
looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.
The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.

Your badge, Show him your badge!”

Image

The National – Runaway

There’s no saving anything
Now we’re swallowing the shine of the summer
There’s no saving anything
How we swallow the sun

040

But I won’t be no runaway
Cause I won’t run
No I wont be no runaway
What makes you think I’m enjoying being led to the flood?

rain-room-at-moma-10

We got another thing coming undone
And its taking us over
We don’t bleed when we don’t fight
Go ahead, go ahead

Throw your arms in the air tonight
We don’t bleed when we don’t fight
Go ahead, go ahead
Lose our shirts in the fire tonight

FiremenFoam-web

 

133

“Who Are You?” by Jack Marcus.

I recently watched a brilliant movie called Words and Pictures about an English teacher (who is a failed writer) and an arts teacher (who is a failed artist) get into a fight about whose media is better used to describe emotions and the real life. What I loved about this un-pretentious movie was the fact that these two head-strong characters were pulling each other out of their hole. Sometimes you need a bit of interaction to get out of a bad place.

My favourite part was the reading of the poem Jack wrote.

“I am a small poem on a
page with room for another.

Share with me this white field,
wide as an acre of snow,
clear but for these tiny
markings like the steps of birds.

Come now.
This is the trough of the wave,
the seconds after lightning.
Thin slice of silence
as music ends,
the freeze before melting.

Lie down beside me.
Make angels.
Make devils.
Make who you are.”

So you see? This poem is an invitation to the reader…
SWINT: To lie down in the snow.
DINA: To reveal himself or herself, and that’s what you’ll do, not with words, but with a drawing or a painting that shows us what you feel, what you see as you read this poem, okay?

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The second bit I liked was caught by a fellow blogger:
http://jpbohannon.com/2014/07/03/movie-review-words-and-pictures-dir-by-fred-schepisi/

http://jpbohannon.com/tag/i-am-a-small-poem/

The Pauline Church in the Cave from Budapest

The Pauline Monks belong to the Monastic Order of St. Paul the First Hermit – which was founded in 1215 in Hungary.

The raven, according to legend brought St Paul The Hermit bread, and the palm tree dates for food. The two lions dug the grave in which he was buried.

The raven, according to legend brought St Paul The Hermit bread, and the palm tree dates for food. The two lions dug the grave in which he was buried.

The founder was Blessed Eusebius. It was through his efforts that the saintly hermits of Hungary were united in monasteries under the patronage of St Paul the Hermit who had lived the solitary life some 870 years earlier.

Church Entry

Church Entry

If you go to Budapest and walk your way up to the Gellert Statue, you can see a cave along with a glass door advertising the entry to the Pauline Church. The church in the cave, while hidden away from public, is still one of the main attractions in the Pest part of Budapest.

The Church is called the Rock Temple when it is actually a cave temple.
In old times, when this temple was first created and named, it was just a cave mouth, with the church sanctuary and the nave out in the open. So hence the name to the Rock Church.

“It was something amazing when they opened the Rock Temple, the whole country knew about it.”

The Order spread rapidly throughout Hungary and then into Croatia, Germany, Poland, Austria and Bohemia. There was a time when there were over 5000 Pauline monks in Hungary alone.

A highlight in the Order’s history took place in 1382 when they became the custodians of the miraculous picture of Our Lady, believed to be painted by St Luke the Evangelist. The Icon was brought to Poland by Ladislaus, Duke of Opole, from a castle at Belz, in modern day Ukraine. He invited the monks to come from Hungary into Poland to safeguard the holy picture. The monks established a Shrine for the venerable image of the Blessed Mother in the small town of Czestochowa (pronounced as chen-sto-hova). Today this Shrine is the Mother house of the Order, and is also the largest monastery, with over 100 Fathers and Brothers, belonging to the monks of St Paul the First Hermit. It is seen as the spiritual capital of Polish Catholics and is visited by more than 2 million pilgrims each year from all over the world.

The first modern entrance for the caves was constructed in the 1920s by a group of Pauline monks who have been inspired by similar rock constructions during a pilgrimage in Lourdes, France. Kálmán Lux, professor at the Budapest University of Technology was the architect in charge. After its consecration in 1926, it served as a chapel and monastery until 1951. During this time, it also served as a field hospital for the army of Nazi Germany during World War II. (Wikipedia)

In 1945, the Soviet Red Army captured Budapest. For six years, the cave continued its religious functions, but in 1951, the State Protection Authority raided the chapel as part of increasing action against the Catholic Church. As a result of the raid, the cave was sealed, the monastery’s superior, Ferenc Vezér, was condemned to death, and the remaining brothers were imprisoned for upwards of ten years.

As the Iron Curtain disintegrated, the chapel reopened on 27 August 1989 with the destruction of the thick concrete wall that had sealed the cave. By 1992, the Chapel had been restored and the Pauline Order had returned to the cave. Today, the monks continue to perform religious functions within, though the cave is also a common tourist attraction.

Saint Stephen standing besides his horse

Saint Stephen standing besides his horse

The church is complemented by a mysterious monastery carved into the rock and decorated with striking neo-gothic turrets. The walls of the cave is formed of all-natural living rock. The church features many rooms, worthy of attention is the one in which all the ornaments have been carved in hardwood by a faithful follower of the Pauline Order. The terrace in front of the entrance is proudly guarded by the statue of Saint Stephen standing besides his horse.

 

My Favourite Story: Elisabeth of Hungary
Miracle of the Roses

Rózsák tere Statue

Rózsák tere Statue

A statue showing the miracle of the roses in the rose garden in front of the neo-Gothic church dedicated to her at Roses’ Square (Rózsák tere), Budapest.
Elizabeth was the daughter of King Andrew II of Hungary and Gertrude of Merania. Her mother’s sister was St. Hedwig of Andechs, wife of Duke Heinrich I of Silesia. Her ancestry included many notable figures of European royalty, going back as far as Vladimir the Great of Kievan Rus. According to tradition, she was born in the castle of Sárospatak, Kingdom of Hungary, on 7 July 1207. According to a different tradition she was born in Pozsony, Kingdom of Hungary (modern-day Bratislava, Slovakia), where she lived in the Castle of Posonium until the age of four. (Wikipedia)

Elizabeth is perhaps best known for her miracle of the roses which says that whilst she was taking bread to the poor in secret, she met her husband Ludwig on a hunting party, who, in order to quell suspicions of the gentry that she was stealing treasure from the castle, asked her to reveal what was hidden under her cloak. In that moment, her cloak fell open and a vision of white and red roses could be seen, which proved to Ludwig that God’s protecting hand was at work.

Sancta Elisabeth Hungarica c. 1907Her husband, according to the vitae, was never troubled by her charity and always supported it. In some versions of this story, it is her brother in law, Heinrich Raspe, who questions her. Hers is the first of many miracles that associate Christian saints with roses, and is the most frequently depicted in the saint’s iconography.

Elisabeth_of_Hungary_Moroder

Gallery

Imouto Wa Shishunki Manga

If you are looking for a good laugh (and you like the dirty jokes a lot) – try reading the manga called Imouto Wa Shishunki. It has a brother – sister type of perverted theme but there is nothing dramatic about it.

I have selected the best bits that got me giggling. You can see the entire series on MangaFox: http://mangafox.me/manga/imouto_wa_shishunki/

Read from Right to Left, Down first then left.